February 13: What is Not Expressed

Meditation: “It seems the more we express, that is, bring out what is in, the more alive we are. The more we give voice to our pain in living, the less build-up we have between our soul and our way in the world. However, the more we depress, the more we push down and keep in, the smaller we become. The more we stuff between our heart and our daily experience, the more we have to work through to feel life directly. Our unexpressed life can become a callus we carry around and manicure, but never remove.”

I definitely agree with this. One of the reasons, perhaps the main reason, I want to be a writer is this longing of expression. I feel there is so much inside of me that I want/need to bring to the outside. In general, I have no problem expressing how I feel. I’m usually too expressive or too honest about how I feel. I used to feel pride at the ability to say what I thought with out a filter or much regard to how it would affect another person. I had such a deep reverence for honesty that it outweighed any consideration of whether my words would provide any value or just hurt someone’s feelings. I’ve now learned that some things, no matter how true, are better kept inside.

That being said, a line I read in today’s meditation was particularly striking:
“I am and have always been a very open and emotionally accessible person, but at a certain depth, my core could not be touched.”

I clearly related with the first part…but, was I also unreachable at a certain depth? It’s true that I’m very open with how I feel and have no problem talking about deep emotions with almost anybody. But, in my romantic relationships, I am sometimes not so open. Some of the deep, and sometimes dark, feelings I have are not shared with my significant other. It’s as if I’m incapable of saying them. No, not incapable, just scared shitless. I’m so afraid of what the response might be, how I might be judged or perceived (or abandoned), that I just keep it locked away. Have I unknowingly built a callus that I can’t remove?

As the universe would naturally have it, I’ve been dealing with whether or not to express something that’s been weighing on me. It’s actually something that I’ve voiced before, and we’ve talked through a few times, but I still feel unresolved about (I don’t want to go into details, but it has to do with finances, that trickiest of all relationship arrangements). The thing is, I don’t even know what it is I really want. Whereas in the past, I would’ve promptly brought up that I was unhappy about something, I’ve opted to get clear about how I truly feel and what it is that I actually want before I bring the matter up for discussion. After all, how can I ask for something when I don’t even know what is I want?

The meditation ended in tune with how I’m feeling:
“Whatever your own example, it seems our authenticity is tied to what is de-pressed and what is ex-pressed. Just as flowers need healthy root systems in order to blossom, feelings can only express their beauty when they are rooted cleanly within us, breaking ground in some manner, sprouting outside us.”

My feelings on the matter are not cleanly rooted within me right now. They are not only a mess of tangled emotions and circumstances, but they’re also muddied with society’s values and expectations…which usually don’t align with my own, yet unfortunately still have an impact on how I feel about something. So, I am committing myself to finding out how I truly feel about the matter before I express my feelings. This means not only just watching myself as I react to things that come up, but also taking the time to ask myself some really difficult questions about what I want in life and from my partner. Someone told me this was maturity… Well, I am trying to transition into that stage we call “adulthood.”

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