Day 2 – Still Breaking

Woke up and did another guided meditation. Today’s topic: Being With What Is. I actually fell asleep half way in and slept for 30 minutes. In honor of the meditation, I accepted that that’s what it was.

I did a 37 minute Cardio Sports Drill workout on Daily Burn. After seeing a commercial for this (Daily Burn) several times on Hulu, I got suckered and did a 30 day free trial. I actually ended up really liking it and now do it pretty regularly. It eliminates the difficult battle of having to make it to a gym and I really like the variety of workouts. I especially like that the longest workouts are about 40 minutes so it feels more manageable, but you still get a really intense workout. I’m so exhausted right now, but it feels really good.

Last week, I finally gathered the courage to tell my partner something that’s been weighing on me. A concern I’ve had lately is that I feel like he doesn’t (and may never) really understand me. I don’t feel like we have a really deep connection and it makes me wonder, if he never really knows who I am, then can he love me completely? I don’t know the answers to these questions…it’s something that I’ve been trying to figure out myself. Naturally, it gave rise to a pretty big reaction and we abruptly ended the conversation.

Due to certain circumstances (like pre-made dinner plans and my binge drinking and then being hungover all weekend), we never completed this conversation. We decided to write out our feelings because we want to articulate ourselves clearly and it’s hard to get our points across when we’re cutting each other off and trying to defend ourselves against perceived attacks. Part of me is terrified of what he has to say…I’m constantly in fear of his judgments (something I realized mirrors my relationship with my Dad) and I’m not sure how I’ll react to them being written out in permanent ink. But, another part of me is really grateful.

I really feel like I’m on the precipice of living the life I want and I think its fitting that we’re trying to take a deeper dive into our relationship. We’ve been together a really long time, over half a decade. But, that doesn’t mean we can just coast into old age as if everything is set. I think relationships should be examined regularly. Too often, we just continue on because we’re afraid of what life might be like without the other person…even though the life we’re currently living is a broken one. I don’t want to end up like this. I will not end up like this.

Do not go out to drink. 

Do not eat garbage food. 
Ham & Cheese sandwich (nitrate free ham)
Lentil Chips
Granola Bar
Roasted Carrots
Spring Mix Salad

Stop overthinking. Just try…or just Be. ✅
-Back in the day (like last year), I used to obsess about work. Was I doing enough? I should be doing more. I could be doing more. What does he think of me? What does she think of me? And I’d have full on conversations (and confrontations) with coworkers in my head. I haven’t completely rid myself of this, but I’m a lot faster at catching myself and when I do, I’m actually able to let it go. I kind of just don’t care anymore. Not in an apathetic way…I’m just not attaching my mood and sense of self worth to this place anymore. It just doesn’t get me worked up in the same way it used to.
-After I pressed play on today’s Daily Burn workout, I started thinking maybe it’ll be too intense. I don’t want to over work my body. Maybe I should pick a less intense workout that I’ve tried before. I stopped myself and said, “JUST TRY. If it’s too hard, you can change it.” It was intense, but I handled it and it felt fuckin great.
-The fact that I can’t think of another thing that I obsessed about today is kind of blowing my mind right now. Is my memory out of order? Is this really it? It can’t be. Oh wait, I’m just Being now.


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