Sat in silence for 10 minutes. I usually meditate lying down because I have back problems, but today I decided to try sitting on the floor with my back against the couch. I set my timer for 10 minutes and after what seemed an interminable time, the timer still hadn’t gone off. I refrained from opening my eyes, but eventually did and saw that I had never hit start! My planned 10 minute meditation had turned into 15.
Also did an hour of yoga practice. I noticed that I didn’t have as hard of a time as I usually do quieting my mind. I was able to stay in the room and didn’t have as many circular thoughts about miscellaneous things going on in my life.
Did another 10 minutes of silence in the sauna.
I did a 1.5 mile loop on my lunch break at work. I initially planned to just walk it, but once I started I was able to alternate between jogging and walking quite easily. Since I’ve been exercising more regularly, I’ve noticed I’m not as resistant. That voice of dread inside my head isn’t constantly talking me out of doing a little more…and when it tries, I’m a lot better at just shutting it down and doing it anyway. I had committed to doing yoga in the morning, but after I did my run there were a few times that voice tried to convince me that I’d met my exercise quota of the day. But, this was more about honoring my word so I didn’t indulge the compromises and just went.
Last night I started freaking out a little bit. I’ve actually been really enjoying exercising, but the commitment to do it everyday kind of got to me. Everyday? How can I do it every single day? Then I remembered that my minimum requirement is to walk 10 minutes. What excuse could I ever have to not be able to make time for that?
Then I started thinking about the drinking. I still don’t have the desire to drink, I’m still too fresh off the last binge to want that. But randomly, little compromises started popping into my head:
“What if I just have a drink at lunch? It’s during work, there’s no way I’ll get wasted.”
“I think I can still go to that dinner with my vendor and coworkers next week. They know I’m not binge drinking. I’ll just eat and not have any alcohol.”
My soon to be past self is in a state of panic. It knows it’s being deconstructed one day at a time and it needs to do whatever it takes to stay alive. I’m sure it’ll soon unleash all kinds of destructive self limiting talk and criticism in an attempt to get me to question everything I’m doing. Well, one day at a time as they say.
Do not go out to drink.
Do not eat garbage food.
Lentil Chips + Salsa
Chicken, Roasted Carrots, Spring Mix Salad
1 Sour Patch Kid, 1 Lifesavers Gummie, 4 Gummie Bears
Spicy Nacho Doritos
*I know candy and Doritos are technically garbage, but I don’t want to set myself up for failure. Chips are my kryptonite…if I were to try giving that up completely right now along with everything else, I’d probably implode.
I hope that One day I will be able to eliminate these things from my life, but for now I have to set myself up for success. As long as I’m not binge eating my way through an entire huge bag of Flamin’ Hots, I’ll feel like I’ve succeeded.