Sat in lotus for 10 minutes. I’ve been trying to practice Vipassana meditation where you’re not supposed to move regardless of any discomfort or pain that arises. Whenever I try to do this, some part of my body screams at me in irritation and I sometimes even start feeling claustrophobic. But, that’s my overeager and impatient self…always trying to go for the extreme. I think I’ll just stick to some mindfulness and sound meditation for now.
38 minutes on the elliptical machine.
5 sets of sprints.
I went to a funeral today for my friends’ (I know both the daughter and son) father. When I first heard that their dad died, I was immediately overcome with grief on their behalf. My dad has been sick and fighting cancer (for the second time) for the past several months, so it felt too close to home. I was nervous that I would be overly emotional because of these circumstances. The funeral consisted of a simple service at the burial site. The two children were pretty calm. Their father had been sick for years now and they already lost their mother a few years back. Maybe they worked out their grief already, or maybe they were just incredibly strong. The mood was definitely somber, but it wasn’t a dramatic state of hysterics as some funerals can be.
I was really surprised at how calm and almost at peace I was with the whole thing. The cemetery actually felt like a really calm place to me. The weather was very nice and all the lush green hills and trees…I literally felt like I would enjoy coming back and reading a book there. It didn’t feel morbid at all. I don’t think we have to see death as such a horrible thing, which is a pretty bold statement coming from me because I do not like death. I’m not comfortable with it and I don’t like it around me or my loved ones. But, maybe something is starting to shift. Maybe I’m finally starting to accept that death can be just as beautiful as birth.
During the priest’s sermon, there was a monologue going on in my head. I was thinking of my own father and the following thoughts were playing in my mind imagining the day when I would have to go through this:
How fuckin’ lucky! How lucky were we to have known this man?! How lucky that he didn’t die when I was a child. How blessed that I got to have him as my father.
I felt really happy. Blissful. In that moment, I wasn’t clutching to my attachment of him in this life, desperately trying to figure out a way to avoid losing him. I wasn’t spinning in denial and premature grief over the thought of never seeing him again. I’m not sure what it was because now as I’m writing this, I’m crying and giving myself a headache thinking about having to say goodbye.
Due to the fact that my dad’s been stable for the past couple months, I’ve been given a little break from worrying and agonizing about if I’ll lose him. But, the thing is, it’s not “if”. It’s when. Even if he survives this, he will die one day. We all will. And there is no. fucking. stopping. it. I don’t know how one prepares for death. I’m not sure you ever really can. But, I must say that the one thing that has helped me the most (the only thing that has actually made me feel better about what is to come) is gratitude. I know it sounds so cheesy, but when I shift my focus to being thankful for everything that I’ve had and still have, it really helps to relieve some of the anguish.
Really, how fuckin’ lucky are we to be here?! I know a lot of it can feel shitty. SO shitty. But, there is also so much that is so good. Our attitude, our mood, our sense of well being…they are all determined by what we choose to focus on. And yes, we actually get to choose. We get to decide which wolf (good/bad, happy/sad, positive/negative) inside of us we want to feed. That’s how fortunate we are. No matter what happens to us (and I realize this is so, so much easier said than done), we can choose how we want to react. Nobody else can make this decision for us or force us to feel a certain way. I didn’t think this was true before. I literally thought that I didn’t have any control over my emotions. Then, slowly, with lots of work and even more practice, I started taking control. I still have so much more work to do. I’m still a mess…but, at least now, I’m a happy mess.
Do not go out to drink.
Do not eat garbage food.
Chicken Shnitzel, Pita, Salad
Mini Mint Ice Cream Sandwich