What a fuckin’ week. This was probably the craziest experience I’ve had in my working life. My parent company filed for bankruptcy this week. On my boss’ assurances, we thought that as a separate entity, we would not be affected. Surprise, surprise we were. I basically had to go around telling all my vendors that they just got fucked up the ass. Hard. Even though I know it wasn’t my fault and I couldn’t have done anything to help them, I couldn’t help feeling guilty. People’s jobs were now at stake because they trusted me. These are people I genuinely care about…and have to continue working with.
It’s definitely been one hell of an emotional roller coaster and the ride is far from over, but I think I’ve actually handled it quite well from a mental standpoint. If this had happened last year, I don’t think I would have faired so well. I even managed to stay away from getting mind numbingly drunk to deal with the stress.
It feels really amazing to be able to handle something of this magnitude without unraveling. Without starting unnecessary fights with P. Without feeling pathetically sorry for myself and ruminating over the situation. Cursing people in my head and stewing on how things could be different. (Don’t get me wrong, these things have definitely been occurring in my head, but I’ve been able to catch myself and let it go.) The fact that I’m able to say, “I’m okay,” and genuinely mean it…it’s truly remarkable.
We really have the ability to control how we deal with situations. I don’t have to live a life of reactivity where I feel like I just don’t have a choice in the matter. Of course my emotions got to me at times, and will continue to get to me, but overall, I’ve been able to maintain a state of equanimity.
How did I get here? It really is true that every act we take simply reinforces how we will react the next time. The more you practice something, the easier it gets. If I choose to grasp onto negativity in a given situation, the next time a difficult situation arises, I will be more likely to choose that same reaction. Similarly, every time I choose to be positive instead of negative, it becomes that much easier for me to choose positivity the next time. And that is how I got here. One difficult situation at a time. One day at a time.
I did a meditation on being with what is. I’m willing to be with what is, I’m trying, but it’s hard. There is a resistance. I don’t want to do it. It’s not going to be fun. Part of me is scared. I don’t know how these people will react. Then there’s the neurosis over how people will think of me. Do they all hate me now? Do they think I knew? Do they think I did this on purpose?
I’ve neglected this commitment because I’ve been so overwhelmed. 😦
Do not go out to drink.
Do not eat garbage (fast) food.
Carne Asada Burrito & Fries