Days 39-40: Shame, Shame, Shame

Meditate. ✖
Seriously slacking on this. 😦

Exercise. ✅
Yesterday: 40 minutes elliptical machine.
Today: 20 minute walk.

Write. ✅
Got some insight in therapy about my whole mom situation. Underneath any anger or rage, there is almost always some underlying root of vulnerability. In this case, I think there are several things going on. When I see my mother behaving in this irrational, overly emotional and dramatic way, there’s a sadness that is triggered by the knowledge that I can never rely on her as a mother figure. I really envy people who have a close personal relationship with their mother, particularly those who can turn to their mothers not only for support, but for counsel and advisement. This will never be a possibility for me. My mom just doesn’t possess a sense of self awareness. In this regard, I surpassed her a long time ago, and I think deep down, it really pains me that I can’t turn to her for support in times of hardship.

A newer revelation that came to me was that I carry a lot of shame when it comes to her. I don’t regard her as a role model, and I think I’m really disappointed that I don’t have a mom I can look up to. I’ve internalized this to mean that I should be ashamed of who I am since this is the person I came from. This occurred to me when I was thinking about how concerned I am with how others perceive me. I think when I see her acting petulant and selfish, it triggers a sense of inferiority within myself. A feeling that if this is my mother, then how much can I actually amount to?

I know that I am not my mother, but there’s just so much history there. So much entanglement. I mean her DNA is inside me. Hopefully, with this new realization, I can really discern that her actions stop with her. They don’t somehow determine the kind of person I am or can be.

I don’t want to be this reactive whenever I interact with her. But, again, there is so much history. A minefield of triggers. She’s a good person. I know that she doesn’t consciously choose to be this way. She doesn’t even realize that she actually has a choice in any of this. I must remember this and try to hold some compassion for her. Practice. Practice. Practice.

Do not go out to drink. ✅

Do not eat garbage (fast) food. ✅

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