Day 44 – Hot Buttons

Meditate. ✖

Exercise. ✅
That voice that fights with me about exercising is back. He saw an opening and pounced. I even put on my work out pants and starting setting up my Apple TV to do a Daily Burn workout when I pivoted and came in here to write.
“It’s okay,” he says, “give yourself some compassion. You’re going through such a hard time right now, if you don’t feel like exercising today, don’t.” I fell for his mini sermon and now guilt is calling on the other line. “What’s wrong with you? You’re slacking off from all your commitments. Soon, you’ll be eating McDonald’s and binge drinking until 4 in the morning.”
I’m okay. It’s okay. Everything is fine.

Write. ✅
This morning I went to see a urologist because I think I go to the bathroom way too much. I’ve always had this issue, but lately I feel like it’s becoming more of a problem. I have a strong feeling it’s psychosomatic, so this is my attempt to rule out a biological problem. So I’m in the waiting room and the receptionist calls me over to tell me that I don’t have a copay for this visit, but instead have a deductible I need to meet.

So how much is this visit?
$200.
(What the?!) Ummm, I wish I knew this earlier because I can’t really afford this right now (I cringe as I have to utter these words).
Well, you don’t have to pay now, we can bill you.
Okay, but I’d still be responsible for paying that, right?
Yes.
(I debate for a hot minute in my head, but my fear of being judged quickly wins out) Okay, that’s fine.
(I sit back down and the war rages: What the fuck? $200? Okay, I can’t afford that right now. I have to support Mom and Dad. This isn’t even an emergency. $200?! Any extra sum of money in that amount should be going to Mom and Dad. I get up and try to do what I think is the right thing.)
I’m sorry, but I’m just not really in a place to pay for this.
That’s fine. You don’t have to pay today, we’re going to send you a bill.
Yes, but my circumstances aren’t really going to change.
You won’t get it for three to four months.
(Embarrassment wins again and I just want to sit down). Okay. Okay, yeah, that’s fine.

I sit back down and suddenly, I feel a rush of emotions pour down on me. I can feel my eyes getting hot. What the fuck is this? Tears start welling. Are you serious right now? What the hell is wrong with you? I try to take quick dabs at my eyes hoping no one notices. I just felt so ashamed and pathetic. Clearly, some hot buttons were being pushed. I’m not sure what exactly was going on, but I know it had to do with my ego, my pride and a fear of being judged. Money, although it is not something I regard as a primary concern, or so I claim, is a very sensitive topic for me. The lack of it makes me feel so insufficient and helpless.

I need to decondition myself from apprising my sense of self worth with external factors. I need to truly understand and believe that I have inherent worth outside of what anyone says or anything I have.

Do not go out to drink. ✅

Do not eat garbage (fast) food. ✅

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