What a crazy day. My car wouldn’t start again, so I had to call AAA a second time. The technician said the battery looked good, I just needed to drive it for about twenty minutes to recharge it. I drove for an hour and fifteen minutes. In spite of all this, I was in a pretty happy mood by the time evening came. I was smiling, laughing, and dancing around, just enjoying myself for no real reason. The fact that I felt this way even though I had a pretty shitty day just invigorated my mood and made me feel even more joy. We really don’t have to let things get to us and weigh us down.
I asked P to try starting the car when he got home. No go. So it seemed the battery indeed needed to be replaced. This definitely dampened my mood, mainly because of the money that would have to get spent. Also, that little gnawing fact that everything could have been fine if I just hadn’t left that stupid light on! In the past, this would have eaten me up until I was nothing but a chewed up pile of mush. Now, I’m able to let it go. I can literally feel a difference in how my body reacts to stress and unwelcome news or situations. There’s a sense of ease as opposed to a tightness that I can feel coursing through my body.
Cut to this morning – a misunderstanding snowballed into a huge fight with P. I was livid, but more than that just deeply hurt. Driving to the shop to get my battery fixed, I was ruminating hard. Questioning everything, making emotional claims and accusations. Now, sitting, waiting for my car, I don’t have any of that heavy feeling inside me. I’ve let it go. The anger is gone. I wouldn’t say that it’s been replaced with apathy, but there’s a level of indifference, for lack of a better word. It’s more like an openness to just be with what is. I don’t know how I want to deal with the situation, but I don’t have to deal with it right now, so, for the time being, I will just set it aside and deal with my present moment experiences.
I really have to attribute this tremendous transformation in my ability to deal with things to mindfulness. Seriously, I used to be crazy. Ridiculously over-reactive, over-dramatic, self deprecating, self centered, and sometimes just outright nasty. I really didn’t think it was possible for me to change. I thought my emotions were just a genetic part of me that I couldn’t control. Then mindfulness opened up a tiny little space, and that space continued to grow and grow until it turned into a whole new world. I am so thankful for this because I was seriously so tired of being a “helpless victim” who things just happened to. Now I have a sense of control over the fact that I have no control.
Obviously, this will be easier for some things rather than others. Let’s say P and I end up not working out or I end up losing my Dad. I will be devastated and those emotions will definitely feel unbearable. I may even binge drink and go on a self pity rampage. But a part of me feels confident that once the dust of shock settles, I’ll be able to navigate my way through the ruins to a place of acceptance.
I’ve been doing a lot of mini meditations. Breathing, paying attention to what’s going on in my body, and resetting. This has helped me tremendously in getting through the past two days.
Yesterday I did a Daily Burn workout. Today, I took a nap. 🙂
Do not go out to drink.
Do not eat garbage (fast) food.