Day 47 – All By Myself

I’m driving out to Big Sur alone this weekend to visit a friend at Esalen, and I’m a little anxious. The drive will take about six hours. I’ve never driven for that long before. I’ve been watching my feelings and trying to identify what it is that’s got me feeling this way. I’m definitely of the neurotic variety, so there’s the general anxiety of what can go wrong: car trouble, getting lost, my overactive bladder…hmmm, I guess that’s it.

I think what’s really at the heart of this is being alone for so long. I’ve been alone for longer than this before, but never trapped in a car with limited sources of distraction. When I’m at home, I can watch TV, read, go on the internet. During this drive, my options are limited to my auditory senses. I’m not sure what I’m so nervous about because I quite enjoy listening to podcasts or singing along to music. Perhaps it’s just the unknown. I suspect I’ll actually enjoy the drive and the time to myself. It’s probably just my monkey brain at it again.

Meditate. ✅
I know I keep saying this, but I really need to form a consistent practice of meditation. I think the one commitment that I’ve made absolute sure I’ve stuck to is to not binge drink. I want to apply the same kind of commitment to making sure I meditate everyday. Even if it’s only for five minutes. I think I’m more mindful throughout the day as a whole, but I want to take the time to make this a separate practice.

Exercise. ✅
I’ve been pretty sluggish about this too. It really is true that once you let a new habit slip, even once, it is that much more difficult to get it back.

Do not go out to drink. ✅

Do not eat garbage (fast) food. ✅
This has been the longest I’ve ever gone without eating fast food. Truth be told, I love fast food. McDonalds, Jack in the Box, KFC…I know it’s so disgusting, but I love that shit. The overpacked flavor gives me instant gratification. I think my commitment to not indulging has confirmed the flip side of habit building in that I really don’t crave…okay, that’s not true. I’ve had cravings for the stuff, but it’s definitely easier for me to resist. Even when coworkers ask me if I want something, the no is automatic, I don’t even think about it.

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