Without fail, whenever I visit my parents, I leave swelling to the brim with emotions. Not warm and fuzzy emotions…usually negative emotions. I resent my mom. I resent that she is my mom. And then I feel guilty for feeling these things.
Family is a funny thing because we have no choice in the matter. When it comes to parents, this is enhanced by the fact that we were not consulted on even the matter of existence. In the case of parents, most of the time, they choose to have children. But, me, I never asked to be brought me. Now I don’t mean to sound or be ungrateful. I do think it is a wondrous gift that I’m here on earth, particularly as a sentient being. It just gives me a greater sense of righteousness and injustice when I’m going through a difficult time with them. As if I can absolve myself of any fault because they had me and I had no say in the matter.
Everything is exacerbated when death enters the picture. Last night, I woke up in the middle of the night and there it was. I slipped out of my dream into consciousness, and death slipped in. The thought blanketed my blanket and enveloped me. One day, I will no longer be here. One day, death will come for me. When I think about not being here anymore, it just feels so strange. And then, there’s the whole matter of how death will feel. That moment when we take our very last breath here on earth. What could that possibly feel like? Then I start feeling claustrophobic. I don’t like it. I don’t like it. It just still really rattles me. And when I look around at this world…all these tabs open on my computer…Etsy, Brain Pickings, Google…what the fuck?! I don’t get it. Why are we here? And why are we seemingly wasting so much of our time and energy while we’re here?
I need to stop.
After I left my parents place today, I went through a drive through car wash. I highly recommend this as a sound meditation. It’s also good to do with your eyes open and watch the droplets of water move across your car. It really helped me to let go some of the entangled emotions and reset.
35 minute Daily Burn circuit workout.
Do not go out to drink.
Do not eat garbage (fast) food.