I Will Choose

~ crazybuddhaful ~ Leave a comment

It’s been a really long time since I’ve posted. All the discipline I was cultivating started wilting from lack of nurturing and essentially came to decay. The pressures of all the different stresses in my life were too much, and instead of caring for myself in positive ways, I turned to negative releases. About five months ago, my world was turned upside down. I don’t want to go into details for many reasons, but it involves taking on the care of a pre-adolescent child. As one can imagine, this fundamentally changed the course of my entire life as I knew it, but more importantly, as I wanted it. Raising children, no doubt, can be a beautiful thing…if that’s what you want. But when something like this is thrust upon you with no choice in the matter (and zero time to prepare), well, I don’t think anyone can truly understand the gravity of it without experiencing it. Actually, I misspoke – I do have some choice in the matter. I can leave, but that would also involve leaving a relationship of nearly a decade. That’s longer than most marriages. But, as we all know, the sheer number of years is not reason enough to stay in a relationship. And I’m a firm believer in making truly conscious decisions about the path your life will take. I don’t want to be swept away and then carried indefinitely by the tides of chance. But that’s kind of what I’ve been doing…

The part of my life that I’ve actually been the most unhappy about is my work. It’s something I’ve been complaining about for awhile now. The single most exasperating part of my life. In the interest of making conscious decisions, I gave up my career as an attorney (so cliche, I know) to pursue something more creative. That “creative” pursuit was a career in fashion. I like it well enough and would take it over law any day, but it isn’t in line with my innards. That thing inside of me that I feel I need to get outside to the world. My calling…my purpose…my dharma. There’s this saying I heard once: My job isn’t who I am, it’s what I do. I know many people who feel this way, who can make this distinction. I, myself, have tried very hard to do the same. But, I can’t. It’s just not how it works for me.

We spend the majority of our lives working. There’s 168 hours in a week. Take away about 50 hours for sleep, and that leaves us with 118. Conservatively (and I’m being super conservative here), it takes us about an hour to get ready and another hour to commute to and from work – another 10 hours. That leaves us with 108. Assuming we only work 40 hours a week, which again, is a conservative measure in this ass backwards society of America, that means that 37% of our lives are spent working. That’s almost half of our waking lives (and this doesn’t account for the fact that we’re usually dead tired by the time we get off, so forget about spending that time productively).

How can I separate 40% from who I am, from what I’m contributing to the world? And if all that time is spent doing something I don’t really care about under people I don’t really respect, then can I truly say that I’m even in control of my life? I know, I know, everyone has the same number of hours. It’s not that I don’t actually have enough time, I’m just not making certain things a priority. And of course, there’s the ultimate: I can get another job. But, we all know that isn’t as easy as it sounds. And I’m not here to make excuses. That’s what I’ve been doing for the last half of this year. I’m done with that. I want to fuckin’ do something about it.

Now, I go through this phase every so often. Pumped up with motivation, sick of being tossed around by that tide of chance, ready to make moves and make shit happen. Then I lose momentum and go back to spending my extra time wallowing with friends over alcohol. But, hey, so what? One defeat (or even hundreds) doesn’t mean the game’s over. And even if I’m defeated over and over again, that’s still better than nothing, right? So how do I do this? How do I equip myself with enough tools and ammunition to give myself the best odds for success? Well, I’ve been gathering just such tools for a while now. Through podcasts, reading, meditating, conversing with people whose opinions I respect. Now it’s time to put it all down and make a plan.

Every Day

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Everyday, do ONE thing that makes you a better person. No, fuck that. Do one thing that gets you closer to the person you want to be. So, who do I want to be?

I want to a writer.
I want to be a scholar.
I want to be kind through and through.
I want to be patient.
I want to be an artist.
I want to be a creator.

I think we put too much pressure on ourselves, and we ignore all the tiny things that we do that contribute to making us who we are. If I read a book, I’m taking in writing that I appreciate. If I text a friend something nice, I’m becoming more loving. If I pluck a succulent leaf to propagate, I’m creating life. If I don’t get mad while stuck in traffic, if I don’t get frustrated with how annoying work is, I’m becoming more patient. Why do I think these little things don’t matter? Why do I feel like I have to do such grand things to be working towards my purpose? It’s not that onerous. It’s simple. It’s easy. It’s being done, day by day, moment by moment. I just have to acknowledge it.

Hokusai Says

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One of my favorite people sent this to me the other day, knowing I was having a hard time. A poem by Roger Keyes (who I can’t seem to find out much about). Hokusai was a great Japanese artist and printmaker.

Katsushika_Hokusai

Hokusai says look carefully.
He says pay attention, notice.
He says keep looking, stay curious.
He says there is no end to seeing.

He says look forward to getting old.
He says keep changing,
you just get more who you really are.
He says get stuck, accept it, repeat yourself
as long as it is interesting.

He says keep doing what you love.
He says keep praying.
He says every one of us is a child,

every one of us is ancient,
every one of us has a body.
He says every one of us is frightened.
He says every one of us has to find a way to live with fear.

He says everything is alive —
shells, buildings, people, fish, mountains, trees.
Wood is alive.
Water is alive.
Everything has its own life.
Everything lives inside us.
He says live with the world inside you.

He says it doesn’t matter if you draw, or write books.
It doesn’t matter if you saw wood, or catch fish.
It doesn’t matter if you sit at home
and stare at the ants on your verandah or the shadows of the trees
and grasses in your garden.

It matters that you care.
It matters that you feel.
It matters that you notice.
It matters that life lives through you.

Contentment is life living through you.
Joy is life living through you.
Satisfaction and strength is life living through you.
Peace is life living through you.

He says don’t be afraid.
Don’t be afraid.
Look, feel, let life take you by the hand.
Let life live through you.

by Roger Keyes

Unending Storm

~ crazybuddhaful ~ 1 Comment

It seems the storm just continues to grow and get worse. I really thought that I was at that point where, you know, “Well, it can’t get any worse. It has to get better from here.” Turns out, things can always get worse.

Last night, I spiraled, broke down and just wept. Why does the universe insist on piling it on? When can I catch a break? And of course, I spent quite a bit of time attaching stories of self blame to the latest event (one of my employees is leaving because she got a job that could offer her more money). Then, just before I went to bed, I decided to stop.

I don’t have to attach all this unnecessary, and in all likelihood untrue, meaning to what happened. What does this really mean? Someone quit. As a manager, this is an inconvenience. I’m going to have to find someone new and train them. Is my life really that bad?

I have an incredible father – yes he’s sick, but he’s still fuckin alive and I had the privilege of having him as my dad, uninterrupted until now…and still going, by the way.

I have an amazing partner that is showing up in all the ways I’ve ever wanted. How many people dream and yearn for this. I have it.

I have a great job that offers me exactly what I need right now. Yes, it’s difficult as fuck right now, soon to get even more challenging, but it’s just work. It is the means by which I sustain myself. Outside of that, it can only affect me as much as I allow it to.

This morning, the universe decided to send me a little help. A little offering of practical advice via a newsletter I’m subscribed to: What To Do When You Don’t Know What To Do.

Instead of worrying, over thinking, over analyzing, contemplating worst case scenarios, it offered me 3 steps to follow instead:

  1. Forget about the ultimate outcome.
    • We don’t have much control over it anyway, and most likely many things will continue to shift and change.
  2. Focus on the next right action.
    • What can I do to that will move whatever issue it is I’m having along in the right direction? One step at a time. Baby steps.
  3. Do something now.
    • Do that thing. Do something. But don’t spend time trying to gain clarity over the whole matter, analyzing and overanalyzing what went wrong because the answer is unlikely to come and unlikely to even be helpful.

An Abundant Mindset

~ crazybuddhaful ~ 1 Comment

I stumbled upon Michael Hyatt through another writer/blogger I sometimes follow Jeff Goins (author of a great book, The Art of Work). I’d never heard of him, but according to Wikipedia, he is an author, blogger, speaker and former Chairman and CEO of Thomas Nelson Publishers. I recently listened to a podcast of his about Abundance and Scarcity thinking.

There were so many things that resonated with me. My default mode of thinking is definitely one of scarcity and not abundance. When I think about something I want to do, my go to mental reactions are:
“So many people have already done that.”
“Why would you think that you would be able to do that?”
And I definitely get tense and guarded when I feel competition. But, I’ve definitely been moving towards these other ways of thinking, and I think with a lot of practice and awareness, I will get there.

Here are the Eight Characteristics of people who have an Abundant mindset:

  1. They believe there’s always more where that came from.
  2. They are happy to share their knowledge, contacts, and compassion with others.
  3. They default to trust and build rapport easily.
  4. They welcome competition, as they believe it makes the pie bigger and them better.
  5. They ask themselves, “How can I give more than what is expected?”
  6. They are optimistic about the future, believing the best is yet to come.
  7. They think big and embrace risk.
  8. They are thankful and confident.

I really enjoyed it and recommend a listen: The Mindset That Will Limit Your Future. It not only unpacks and explains all of these ways of thinking, but also reveals how their counterparts can really hold us down and limit us from achieving our true goals in life.

New Morning Routine

~ crazybuddhaful ~ 3 Comments

The other morning I was laying in bed thinking to myself that I really want to have a set morning routine. I recently decided that the routine I was trying to establish wasn’t working, so instead of trying harder, I wanted to try better. In all honesty, what I was trying didn’t have the set structure of a regular routine, and I think that was a big part of why it fell apart. I had specific things I wanted to do everyday, but I just couldn’t place them into a schedule I could follow. So I’m lying in bed thinking about this new routine when I go through my email to discover that the universe, via one of my dearest friends, has sent me a message:

A Navy SEAL’s Morning Routine To Stay Focused & Feel Great All Day – mindbodygreen.com

I’ve made a few tweaks and am now on Day 2 of my new morning routine:
1. Find a calm space.
I’ve decided to start my mornings outside. I live in the hills and have a truly wonderful outdoor space, but for some inexplicable reason, I barely spend any time out there. I’ve come to view this place as my version of Thoreau’s Walden, and I’m hoping that this practice will lead to me spending more time out there.
2. Drink a glass of water.
3. Write three things I’m grateful for with my left hand.
I was recently inspired by another article (https://www.brainpickings.org/2016/06/07/the-magic-of-the-book-hermann-hesse-my-belief/) to start practicing writing with my left hand (I’m right handed). I attempted this a few years ago, but like most things soon forgot about it. It almost feels like a meditation practice because I have to be truly focused on what I’m doing and nothing else.
4. Mindfully stretch.
5. Breathing meditation for a minimum of five minutes.
Breathe in for 3, hold for 3, breathe out for 3, hold for 3. Repeat.
I haven’t made up my mind on whether I want to make a list or plan for the day. I’ve found that whenever I make lists of things I want to do, I usually don’t get through most of the items and then just feel really shitty about myself. I do like the idea of visualization though. Maybe I’ll try visualizing one thing I want to do each day.

Try Better, Not Harder

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I read a post on Seth Godin’s blog a few days ago that’s stayed with me: Try Better. Maybe it’s not always about trying harder. Maybe if something isn’t working, forcing it isn’t the answer. I think the momentum or commitment or whatever it is that had me going has run out, or at least faded. I’ve fallen off exercising and posting everyday, but this doesn’t mean that I don’t want to keep trying these things anymore.

I think “failing” at something can be a seductive trap to just throw in the towel and say, fuck it, I knew I couldn’t do it. What we don’t realize, and maybe this is a willful kind of ignorance, is that one mistake doesn’t erase all the progress we’ve made. But bullying or shaming ourselves into constantly trying harder isn’t going to bring about the desired results either.

So, let’s try better. Truth be told, I’ve felt like a lot of my posts have feel forced because I committed to writing something everyday. If something didn’t come up naturally, I’d badger myself into trying harder. “You said you were gonna write something everyday. There you go foregoing your commitments as usual.” Or the more psychologically pernicious voice would come and try to coax me into writing something by using my fear of failure against me: “Are you so scared of failing that you can’t even put a few mental ramblings down? It’s okay, just get something down. You just need to try…harder.”

Trying better means taking the time to look at what’s going on with sober eyes. Accepting that something may not be working; that this “thing” that we want, may not be what we need. A whole new approach may need to be created…and it may actually end up being harder, but if we try better, it might not feel so tough.

Dead Battery

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I’m driving up to Big Sur this weekend to visit my friend at Esalen. In preparation, I went to get my car checked yesterday to make sure everything was in good condition. Last night when I got home, I went through the glove compartment to make sure my registration and insurance was in there. I turned on the little light in the middle and reminded myself, “You better fuckin’ remember to turn this thing off.” I have a tendency to forget to do that. Also, last week, I left my lights on while at a Dodgers game, and when I tried to start the car to leave, my battery was dead. So in light of this recent occurrence, it was especially important that I not forgot. Also, since the distress from that experience is still pretty fresh, I figured there’s no way I would forgot.

Skip to this morning. We have a one car garage and P’s car was blocking mine, so I moved it out of the way and got into my car. Click, click, click, click, click. What the?! Yes, you guessed it. Immediately:

Oh…my…god…
You forgot to turn off the fuckin’ light!
You’re such a fuckin’ idiot.
What the hell is wrong with you?!
Is this battery done now? I’m going to have to buy a new fuckin’ battery. There goes another couple hundred down the drain.

I want to cry. I cried. I hate myself. I hate my life. I’m supposed to be at my parent’s house right now to take care of my Dad while my mom takes care of an errand. I feel like this is a sick joke. One fucked up situation stacked on top of another, and it won’t stop. A Jenga master has control of my life and they’re just racking it up.

A shit ton of mindful breaths and a call to AAA later…I’m here. It’s okay. It happened. I’m not an idiot. Yes, I did a very stupid, careless thing, but that does not in and of itself make me some incompetent worthless creature. AAA is coming. Shit happens, but that does not mean that I am shit. I’m not shit. I’m human. I still want to cry and I probably will, but there is a tiny part of me inside that knows it’s okay. I need to be open to that part and let it do its thing instead of drowning it out with all the pernicious, negative thoughts that want to rule this world inside of my head.

May I be at ease.
May I know that I am worthy.
May I feel that I am good enough.

Eat, Pray, Shut Up

~ crazybuddhaful ~ 4 Comments

I’m currently reading Eat, Pray, Love. To be completely honest, I’m kind of embarrassed to be reading this book. I even made a book cover out of a market bag (high school styles) so I could read it in public and not feel judged. Here’s the thing – Elizabeth Gilbert started coming out on a lot of podcasts I listen to and from what I’ve heard, I really like her, and what she has to say really resonates with me. But I have this problem with things that gain a certain level of mass appeal and popularity. Basically, I think there must be something wrong with whatever the thing is if that much of the public can appreciate it…because I think the public is generally stupid. I mean let’s just take a look at the current presidential election. Actually, let’s not…when I think about what’s going on, it just melts my mind. And heart.

Back to Eat, Pray, Love. I believe my curiosity was piqued back when the book first gained momentum, but books that get on Oprah’s bookclub or become movies starring Julia Roberts just confirm my decision to stay away. Yes, I can be quite judgmental and haughty at times. But after I heard some interviews with her, I realized that perhaps I had misjudged the situation.  Although I was most interested in reading her latest book (Big Magic – Creative Living Beyond Fear), I happened upon a used copy of you know what at the library for $1. So I got it…and I love it (and admitting that still makes me cringe a little…I guess I still have a lot of that judgmental me I need to purge).

I just read this part where she commits to talking less: “No more scurrying, gossiping, joking. No more spotlight-hogging or conversation-dominating. No more verbal tap-dancing for pennies of affirmation. It’s time to change.” She then promptly and ironically gets her work detail changed (this is the part where she’s staying at an Ashram in India) to “Key Hostess.” This prompts her to realize that “if God wanted me to be a shy girl with thick, dark hair, He would have made me that way, but He didn’t. Useful, then, might be to accept how I was made and embody myself fully therein.”

I, too, suffer from verbal promiscuity. I talk too much and I say more than I know I should, mostly because I think it will get someone to like me a little bit more. I attempt to barter my words for incremental, and rarely ever expressed, increases in affection. I guess deep down inside, or maybe not even that deep, I just want people to like me and I think that if I say something funny or interesting, it’ll win their affection. Sometimes I’ll repeat petty gossip, but other times, against my better judgment, I’ll disclose more substantive material told to me in confidence because I think it’ll show the listener that I think they’re important enough for me to break my pledge of confidence. This in turn will, you guessed it, get them to like me more…but in reality, all it probably does is just show them that I can’t be trusted with a secret.

I’ve often fantasized about being the kind of person that is quiet, yet possesses an undeniable presence. The strong, quiet type who isn’t concerned about what others think of him or her. The first part will most likely never be me. I’m loud and can be opinionated to the brink of obnoxiousness. But I do think it’s possible for me to get to a place where I’m not so concerned about how others perceive me. Basically, I need to accept how I was made and feel secure enough to embody myself fully therein. I don’t need to say that offensive joke to capture the room’s attention. I don’t need to make that nasty remark about someone I know you don’t like to try to build a bond between us. I don’t need to keep spewing words that aren’t even really in line with how I truly feel inside to stand out, to get attention, to get people to like me.

I am good. I am fine. I am perfect(ly imperfect).

Meeting Your Truth

~ crazybuddhaful ~ 1 Comment

You know something’s your truth when it’s hard to write. When it’s so hard to write, you avoid writing it. You make excuses because you don’t want to have to deal with it face to face. Just remember that this is usually a sign that this something is very important. This something is most likely manifesting itself in other forms and holding you back in all kinds of disguised ways. So take the meeting. Even if you end up rescheduling a dozen times. Keep rescheduling. But make sure that one day, you show up.