Mental Ramblings

Every Day

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Everyday, do ONE thing that makes you a better person. No, fuck that. Do one thing that gets you closer to the person you want to be. So, who do I want to be?

I want to a writer.
I want to be a scholar.
I want to be kind through and through.
I want to be patient.
I want to be an artist.
I want to be a creator.

I think we put too much pressure on ourselves, and we ignore all the tiny things that we do that contribute to making us who we are. If I read a book, I’m taking in writing that I appreciate. If I text a friend something nice, I’m becoming more loving. If I pluck a succulent leaf to propagate, I’m creating life. If I don’t get mad while stuck in traffic, if I don’t get frustrated with how annoying work is, I’m becoming more patient. Why do I think these little things don’t matter? Why do I feel like I have to do such grand things to be working towards my purpose? It’s not that onerous. It’s simple. It’s easy. It’s being done, day by day, moment by moment. I just have to acknowledge it.

Try Better, Not Harder

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I read a post on Seth Godin’s blog a few days ago that’s stayed with me: Try Better. Maybe it’s not always about trying harder. Maybe if something isn’t working, forcing it isn’t the answer. I think the momentum or commitment or whatever it is that had me going has run out, or at least faded. I’ve fallen off exercising and posting everyday, but this doesn’t mean that I don’t want to keep trying these things anymore.

I think “failing” at something can be a seductive trap to just throw in the towel and say, fuck it, I knew I couldn’t do it. What we don’t realize, and maybe this is a willful kind of ignorance, is that one mistake doesn’t erase all the progress we’ve made. But bullying or shaming ourselves into constantly trying harder isn’t going to bring about the desired results either.

So, let’s try better. Truth be told, I’ve felt like a lot of my posts have feel forced because I committed to writing something everyday. If something didn’t come up naturally, I’d badger myself into trying harder. “You said you were gonna write something everyday. There you go foregoing your commitments as usual.” Or the more psychologically pernicious voice would come and try to coax me into writing something by using my fear of failure against me: “Are you so scared of failing that you can’t even put a few mental ramblings down? It’s okay, just get something down. You just need to try…harder.”

Trying better means taking the time to look at what’s going on with sober eyes. Accepting that something may not be working; that this “thing” that we want, may not be what we need. A whole new approach may need to be created…and it may actually end up being harder, but if we try better, it might not feel so tough.

Dead Battery

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I’m driving up to Big Sur this weekend to visit my friend at Esalen. In preparation, I went to get my car checked yesterday to make sure everything was in good condition. Last night when I got home, I went through the glove compartment to make sure my registration and insurance was in there. I turned on the little light in the middle and reminded myself, “You better fuckin’ remember to turn this thing off.” I have a tendency to forget to do that. Also, last week, I left my lights on while at a Dodgers game, and when I tried to start the car to leave, my battery was dead. So in light of this recent occurrence, it was especially important that I not forgot. Also, since the distress from that experience is still pretty fresh, I figured there’s no way I would forgot.

Skip to this morning. We have a one car garage and P’s car was blocking mine, so I moved it out of the way and got into my car. Click, click, click, click, click. What the?! Yes, you guessed it. Immediately:

Oh…my…god…
You forgot to turn off the fuckin’ light!
You’re such a fuckin’ idiot.
What the hell is wrong with you?!
Is this battery done now? I’m going to have to buy a new fuckin’ battery. There goes another couple hundred down the drain.

I want to cry. I cried. I hate myself. I hate my life. I’m supposed to be at my parent’s house right now to take care of my Dad while my mom takes care of an errand. I feel like this is a sick joke. One fucked up situation stacked on top of another, and it won’t stop. A Jenga master has control of my life and they’re just racking it up.

A shit ton of mindful breaths and a call to AAA later…I’m here. It’s okay. It happened. I’m not an idiot. Yes, I did a very stupid, careless thing, but that does not in and of itself make me some incompetent worthless creature. AAA is coming. Shit happens, but that does not mean that I am shit. I’m not shit. I’m human. I still want to cry and I probably will, but there is a tiny part of me inside that knows it’s okay. I need to be open to that part and let it do its thing instead of drowning it out with all the pernicious, negative thoughts that want to rule this world inside of my head.

May I be at ease.
May I know that I am worthy.
May I feel that I am good enough.

Eat, Pray, Shut Up

~ crazybuddhaful ~ 4 Comments

I’m currently reading Eat, Pray, Love. To be completely honest, I’m kind of embarrassed to be reading this book. I even made a book cover out of a market bag (high school styles) so I could read it in public and not feel judged. Here’s the thing – Elizabeth Gilbert started coming out on a lot of podcasts I listen to and from what I’ve heard, I really like her, and what she has to say really resonates with me. But I have this problem with things that gain a certain level of mass appeal and popularity. Basically, I think there must be something wrong with whatever the thing is if that much of the public can appreciate it…because I think the public is generally stupid. I mean let’s just take a look at the current presidential election. Actually, let’s not…when I think about what’s going on, it just melts my mind. And heart.

Back to Eat, Pray, Love. I believe my curiosity was piqued back when the book first gained momentum, but books that get on Oprah’s bookclub or become movies starring Julia Roberts just confirm my decision to stay away. Yes, I can be quite judgmental and haughty at times. But after I heard some interviews with her, I realized that perhaps I had misjudged the situation.  Although I was most interested in reading her latest book (Big Magic – Creative Living Beyond Fear), I happened upon a used copy of you know what at the library for $1. So I got it…and I love it (and admitting that still makes me cringe a little…I guess I still have a lot of that judgmental me I need to purge).

I just read this part where she commits to talking less: “No more scurrying, gossiping, joking. No more spotlight-hogging or conversation-dominating. No more verbal tap-dancing for pennies of affirmation. It’s time to change.” She then promptly and ironically gets her work detail changed (this is the part where she’s staying at an Ashram in India) to “Key Hostess.” This prompts her to realize that “if God wanted me to be a shy girl with thick, dark hair, He would have made me that way, but He didn’t. Useful, then, might be to accept how I was made and embody myself fully therein.”

I, too, suffer from verbal promiscuity. I talk too much and I say more than I know I should, mostly because I think it will get someone to like me a little bit more. I attempt to barter my words for incremental, and rarely ever expressed, increases in affection. I guess deep down inside, or maybe not even that deep, I just want people to like me and I think that if I say something funny or interesting, it’ll win their affection. Sometimes I’ll repeat petty gossip, but other times, against my better judgment, I’ll disclose more substantive material told to me in confidence because I think it’ll show the listener that I think they’re important enough for me to break my pledge of confidence. This in turn will, you guessed it, get them to like me more…but in reality, all it probably does is just show them that I can’t be trusted with a secret.

I’ve often fantasized about being the kind of person that is quiet, yet possesses an undeniable presence. The strong, quiet type who isn’t concerned about what others think of him or her. The first part will most likely never be me. I’m loud and can be opinionated to the brink of obnoxiousness. But I do think it’s possible for me to get to a place where I’m not so concerned about how others perceive me. Basically, I need to accept how I was made and feel secure enough to embody myself fully therein. I don’t need to say that offensive joke to capture the room’s attention. I don’t need to make that nasty remark about someone I know you don’t like to try to build a bond between us. I don’t need to keep spewing words that aren’t even really in line with how I truly feel inside to stand out, to get attention, to get people to like me.

I am good. I am fine. I am perfect(ly imperfect).

Meeting Your Truth

~ crazybuddhaful ~ 1 Comment

You know something’s your truth when it’s hard to write. When it’s so hard to write, you avoid writing it. You make excuses because you don’t want to have to deal with it face to face. Just remember that this is usually a sign that this something is very important. This something is most likely manifesting itself in other forms and holding you back in all kinds of disguised ways. So take the meeting. Even if you end up rescheduling a dozen times. Keep rescheduling. But make sure that one day, you show up.

Mental Ramblings: Checking Your Negativity

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Version 2

STOP. Whatever crazy shit is going on in your head, just stop RIGHT NOW. Take a step back. What are the FACTS that are bothering you. Not your interpretation of what happened, but the actual thing or things that took place. Not the reasons why you think it happened, or why you think it’s fucked up or unfair. JUST THE ACTUAL EVENTS THAT TOOK PLACE. The things that were actually said or done.

Okay, now here’s the reality: those things happened. They happened. You don’t know why. You don’t know what was going on in that person’s mind when he or she did it. You have some guesses…and you’re pretty sure they’re right. But, remember, however educated those guesses may be, they are in fact just your opinions. Theories, unproven hypotheses. Even in the case that the person was to tell you his or her reasons behind what they did, there is no way to tell if that person is actually telling the truth. Even if they think they are telling the truth, they themselves may not even be aware of the real reason behind what they did or said.

We are all complicated people. But, we are also very simple. This is the fundamental problem with us living as sentient beings here on earth: we live in a state of duality. We see ourselves and everything around us as separate from each other. Just the sound of the statement: you and this chair are one and the same sounds absolutely ridiculous and unfathomable. But that is a universal truth: we are all one. Not just “we all” as in all us humans. Every fuckin’ thing. However, given the way our minds, psychology, and consciousness exists today, could we ever comprehend and believe a statement like that? It’s unlikely. But, here’s something we can wrap our heads around: We’re all just doing the best we can. We are all just trying to survive. We all just want to be loved and feel significant in some way.

Now, the “best” of someone may seem really shitty to us, but to that person, they may just not know any other way. And not to absolve any of ourselves from the role we play in the people we become, but none of us get to choose the lives we are born into. Our parents, our upbringing, the values that were (or weren’t) ingrained in us from an early age…we don’t get to choose any of that…just like our parents before us didn’t get to choose what they got. Really stop and think about it: how many of your characteristics/traits do you genuinely love? Our bias for negativity, our quickness to react and get worked up over the littlest of things, our inability or refusal to push our fears aside and unwaveringly go after what we really want in life…how many of us genuinely want or choose to act this way? So have a little compassion for that person that is causing you grief. I know it’s easier said than done: 90% of the time I get carried away and have imaginary confrontations with people where I tell them what idiotic assholes they are. But that other 10% of the time, I catch myself right before I get on that train of mental fury. I realize that train ain’t gonna take me anywhere I want or need to go, so I turn around and walk away. Sometimes I don’t catch myself until right after I get on the train, which means I have to jump off the now moving vehicle. This is clearly more difficult, but if the train hasn’t caught much momentum yet, it can actually be quite invigorating.

Another tip: whenever I’m successful at not giving in to my natural tendency for negativity, I take a handful of seconds to let my victory soak in. I take a few breaths with a smile on my face and I let that blissful feeling of accomplishment flow through my body. Because once upon a time, not too long ago, I got on that crazy train 100% of the time without ever even thinking about it, without even realizing I had a choice. Now, I know it might seem like some of us really don’t have a choice, like it just happens before we can even do anything about it, and that’s because a lot of times, it does. We live a majority of our lives on autopilot – going through each day unconsciously and unintentionally. But try increasing your awareness of the present moment. Try being open to what is happening right now, instead of what happened a few minutes ago or what might happen tomorrow. Try to remember the next time something or someone upsets you that you have a choice: you can get on the train or you can walk away. And if you can keep choosing to walk away (even if it’s only 1% of the time), you’ll see that it gets a little bit easier after each time. This is not to say that it ever gets easy, at least not for me, not at this point…but it definitely starts to feel more and more possible.