angst | Crazy Buddhaful

That’s the universe for you. It’s either fucking with me hard or opening up space for me to keep practicing who I want to be…the practice of Life Yoga. Two members of my team quit within two months without giving notice. The first one was really negative and hated the company since before I got there, but the other one…I have no idea. As their manager, I went straight to pointing the finger at myself. Am I that difficult to work with? Did I mistreat them? Did they just think I was a piece of shit?

I really don’t think I’m a delusional person and I know how sensitive and defensive people can be about work so I’m very mindful and intentional about everything I say and do in that space. I know I can come off rough at times (I have a very strong personality and am committed to telling the truth, sometimes overly so…like when it’ll hurt someone’s feelings – I know, I’m working on it), but I really don’t think I was unreasonable. Needless to say I got on the crazy train several times this past week and just went around and around the same loop. What did I do? Why did this happen? What’s wrong with me?

It was definitely a roller coaster, but I think I ultimately chose to be the victor instead of the victim. First off, I’m not hung over from getting blacked out drunk last night – huge win. I also didn’t instigate any gratuitous fights with my partner all week – another huge win. I know the battle’s not over yet, it’s only been a week and it ended with my boss saying some pretty baseless crap, but I’m pretty surprised (and proud!) at how well I’m dealing. Don’t get me wrong, I cried like six times today and am still very emotionally unstable…but, I’m okay with that. There is a lot of stuff going on up there in my head. Although, I do think a lot of the emotions may be coming from the confusion of my not giving in so easily to my natural tendency for negativity. If this were a year ago, I would be binge-watching Netflix, stuffing my face with pizza and chips.

Instead, I woke up this morning and went straight to feeding my good wolf. I remembered a podcast I listened to earlier this week on The Good Life Project with Gretchen Rubin and the power of habits (Gretchen Rubin: How to Build Habits That Change Lives). Some pretty nasty reviews on her first book, The Happiness Project led me to wondering what Maria Popova had to say about her (Better than Before: A Psychological Field Guide to Harnessing the Transformative Power of Habit) …which led me to some great material on William James and habits (William James on Habit). Later, curious about the difference between fear and anxiety, I stumbled unto Harriet Lerner and a book about dealing with fear (The Dance of Fear: Rising Above Anxiety, Fear, and Shame to Be Your Best and Bravest Self). All in all, the level of stress in my body feels pretty low and I feel really happy/proud that I spent the day trying to learn instead of wallowing. Now time for some pasta, wine and a few cigarettes… It’s all about balance, right?

I found these old notes/ramblings from 2012 on my phone…I had a lot more angst back then.

April 23, 2012
I just can’t help feeling sad about where this society is going. Maybe that’s why I feel so lost about what I want to do. Maybe I just don’t want to be a part of it. Or maybe deep down inside I really do.
Looking at these fashion blogs, I just can’t believe how people spend their days. I’m imagining this girl getting up every morning to pick an outfit, put makeup on and find some photo worthy location to take pictures of herself. And then hundreds of thousands of us watch and want to do it too.

May 15, 2012
He will never get me. Perhaps no one ever will. Life for me is just a series of tiring events. I’m not even 30 and I already exhausted with life. I’m beginning to feel numb to pleasure. Facebook, Instagram, Dancing with the Stars…is this what our world has become?
There are corners of the world that aren’t focused on such things, but thats where you would be – in a little corner. Everybody wants to be seen but nobody wants to actually know anything. This makes me sad. And tired.

May 24, 2012
As I sit here reading John Locke’s introduction, I can’t help smiling. I just love this shit. Words. Is that weird? I feel like people would read this and think what kind of nonsense is this? What the fuck does this mean? But I ate up every word and thought each one was brilliantly selected. I felt that feeling I sometimes get…that burning desire I have to write that I just keep contained inside. I refuse to give it the air it needs to grow. But maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe I’m saving the world from volumes of dribble.
I don’t know why but thoughts put into words just gives me the greatest pleasure. Maybe it comes with the territory of being a voracious thinker. When your whole world is thoughts and most of them are kept captive inside of you, it drives you mad. Maybe that’s why so many writers are so tortured. They’re just in their minds too much…there’s just too much noise and not enough paper.