Today is a momentous day as I have finally, finally taken the steps to create this blog that I have been thinking about for the past 3-4 years. Being the neurotic creature that I am, I thought about it, thought about doing it, and then thought about it some more. Yet, I never did it. The funny thing is I didn’t even think about doing it today…it just somehow happened. I got out of bed to take some notes on a video I had just watched on the difference between empathy and sympathy, (http://www.brainpickings.org/2013/12/11/brene-brown-rsa-animated/) and before I knew it I was on WordPress agonizing over clicking the “Create Blog” button.
As a product of our scarcity culture, I am always struggling with the issue of “never _______ enough.” The biggest _______ being that I am never good enough and what that equates to is that I am never extraordinary enough because good is no longer good unless it is extraordinary. An ordinary life is a meaningless life. I struggle with this fallacy on a daily basis, from my career to my relationships to my ability (or lack thereof) to crack an egg with finesse. This is why I won’t start things that I really want to do. I am afraid that what I will produce will be ordinary…average…above average at best. And above average is NOT good enough.
I clearly have unrealistic expectations. The other day, I got a letter in the mail from my 8 year old niece. Her mother had asked for my address the other day so I was very excited to see what it was – we (my niece and I) had talked about writing letters to each other via snail mail awhile ago. I eagerly opened the envelope to see an elaborately decorated, handmade postcard that said “thanks.” I turned the card over to see a thank you note, in her handwriting, for her birthday present. I was immediately disappointed because I knew she had sent this to everyone else that had given her a birthday present. I was no longer special, and this somehow diminished the value of the beautifully handcrafted note from my precious 8 year old niece.
I’m an asshole. No, I had an asshole moment due to my warped expectations. I am a good person. I am good enough and I am just the way that I should be at this point in time. Everything is okay just the way it is. Even the fact that it took me years to start this blog. It wasn’t time then. It is now. Everything is as it should be.