choose

Fuck With Me, You Know I Got It

~ crazybuddhaful ~ Leave a comment

That’s the universe for you. It’s either fucking with me hard or opening up space for me to keep practicing who I want to be…the practice of Life Yoga. Two members of my team quit within two months without giving notice. The first one was really negative and hated the company since before I got there, but the other one…I have no idea. As their manager, I went straight to pointing the finger at myself. Am I that difficult to work with? Did I mistreat them? Did they just think I was a piece of shit?

I really don’t think I’m a delusional person and I know how sensitive and defensive people can be about work so I’m very mindful and intentional about everything I say and do in that space. I know I can come off rough at times (I have a very strong personality and am committed to telling the truth, sometimes overly so…like when it’ll hurt someone’s feelings – I know, I’m working on it), but I really don’t think I was unreasonable. Needless to say I got on the crazy train several times this past week and just went around and around the same loop. What did I do? Why did this happen? What’s wrong with me?

It was definitely a roller coaster, but I think I ultimately chose to be the victor instead of the victim. First off, I’m not hung over from getting blacked out drunk last night – huge win. I also didn’t instigate any gratuitous fights with my partner all week – another huge win. I know the battle’s not over yet, it’s only been a week and it ended with my boss saying some pretty baseless crap, but I’m pretty surprised (and proud!) at how well I’m dealing. Don’t get me wrong, I cried like six times today and am still very emotionally unstable…but, I’m okay with that. There is a lot of stuff going on up there in my head. Although, I do think a lot of the emotions may be coming from the confusion of my not giving in so easily to my natural tendency for negativity. If this were a year ago, I would be binge-watching Netflix, stuffing my face with pizza and chips.

Instead, I woke up this morning and went straight to feeding my good wolf. I remembered a podcast I listened to earlier this week on The Good Life Project with Gretchen Rubin and the power of habits (Gretchen Rubin: How to Build Habits That Change Lives). Some pretty nasty reviews on her first book, The Happiness Project led me to wondering what Maria Popova had to say about her (Better than Before: A Psychological Field Guide to Harnessing the Transformative Power of Habit) …which led me to some great material on William James and habits (William James on Habit). Later, curious about the difference between fear and anxiety, I stumbled unto Harriet Lerner and a book about dealing with fear (The Dance of Fear: Rising Above Anxiety, Fear, and Shame to Be Your Best and Bravest Self). All in all, the level of stress in my body feels pretty low and I feel really happy/proud that I spent the day trying to learn instead of wallowing. Now time for some pasta, wine and a few cigarettes… It’s all about balance, right?

JUST PICK ONE

~ crazybuddhaful ~ Leave a comment

I don’t like choosing. I know the freedom to choose is one of the greatest liberties we enjoy, but for me it’s too much pressure. What if I pick the wrong one? I’ll spend over twenty minutes just scrolling through Netflix unable to decide what I should watch. And ordering food? Well, in the comfort of my home, without a waiter putting any pressure on me, I’ll look through the menu reading all the descriptions…of course this is after the thirty to forty minutes it took me to decide the restaurant. Then I’ll go on Yelp to see if there are any pictures I can inspect. Then back to the menu and so forth and so on. Sometimes, I even struggle with which color straw to use from my assorted pack of straws. FOMO. It’s a real thing.

My issues with indecisiveness are not clinical; it’s more like a little bug bite that only flares up when you start scratching it. But it can definitely get in the way of me doing things. I’m really trying to figure out what I’m meant to do with my life, to discover my dharma or calling. There are a lot of things that I deeply care about and really get me excited. Reading and writing is definitely at the top of my list, but I also really love art. Psychology has always fascinated me and the thought of helping people feels really fulfilling. A few weeks ago I discovered hand lettering and then there’s business. Although I hate the idea of profit being the bottom line, I’ve always felt an entrepreneurial spirit inside of me. And I know that not all businesses have to be completely centered on making money. So what do I do? What do I pursue? What if I pick the wrong one and spend X amount of years chasing the wrong thing?

I was listening to an episode of The Good Life Project the other day (one of my favorite podcasts). It was an interview with the hand-lettering artist Sean McCabe and they touched upon this very matter. He basically said just pick one. You can always course correct later, but you can’t steer a parked car. (http://www.goodlifeproject.com/sean-mccabe/?t=radio) This really hit home for me. For years now, I’ve just been sitting in a parked car googling different places I could potentially go…pulling up the map and looking at all the different routes I could take to get to these places. What if I get lost? What if I drive all the way to Place A and it’s total shit? Well, then, I can go to Place K or W or S. Everything doesn’t need to be perfect (another huge issue I have). You can always change your mind later. Guess I don’t have any more excuses to fall back on. Time to turn on the engine and put the car into drive. I’m going left.