The ego in me is so strong! My mind spends most of its day obsessing over things that really have nothing to do with the outcome of my life.
For example, a coworker of mine is quitting work. She put in her notice last week. She didn’t come in yesterday or the day before. She might go work for the person I was brought in to replace. For some reason, this upsets me. But, I have no personal issues with that person. We worked together for all of a month and I was kept pretty much removed from her so that our dealings were minimal. She seemed nice enough, but, somewhere along the way, mostly going off what I heard about her from others, I designated her an adversary, and so, decided to dislike her. Back to point – so what if my coworker goes to work for her and so what if she’s not coming in to work. She obviously just doesn’t give a fuck. Why should I?
Why do I? Apparently, because the world revolves around me and I have to somehow make EVERYTHING related to me on some level. Do most people do this? Or am I seriously that self involved that I have to make everyone else’s drama some kind of subplot in my life story? It’s come to the point where I’m taking her unreliability at a job that she has put in her notice with as a sign that I can’t depend on her in our friendship (she also hasn’t been responding to my texts, albeit I only sent two). I’m starting to say to myself, “Whatever, I’m over her,” basically because she’s not treating me as the center, or at least a more central, part of her universe.
This is how crazy I am. This is what my mindfulness and self-realization are up against. Granted that I’m not really obsessing over this all day. It doesn’t consume my every waking hour, but it’s still there…in the background of my thoughts…and it lightly pops up here and there. I never let it balloon out of control as I usually have enough sense to gently pop it back into its place. But, it’s there enough for me to feel that I need to acknowledge it and to take a step back and critically observe what is happening. What exactly am I, or is my ego, doing here? What kind of ploy is this to make myself some sort of victim – to give myself a reason to be upset, to suffer? Whatever it is, it simply just is…and I’m watching. Accepting. Disidentifying. I guess this one goes to mindfulness (ha crazy, you lose this time!) – at least for now.