For about 10 years now, I have been saying that my dream is to be a writer. However, in all those years I have not done anything to pursue this dream. Instead, I became a lawyer. When I realized I didn’t want to wake up 10-20 years later and hate my life, I decided to make a career change…into fashion. In all honesty, I enjoy what I do – it’s a hell of a lot more fun than law. But, deep down, I know that it’s not my passion. So why don’t I go after the thing I want most in life? Well, you know…it’s complicated.
Okay, that’s a lie. It’s actually quite simple. I can sum it up in one word: FEAR. Fear of not being good enough, fear of being judged, fear of uncertainty, and of course, that all crippling fear – fear of failure. I know I don’t have to have such a paralyzing fear of failure. I know that failure actually leads to success by eliminating things that don’t work. But, I also know how shitty failure feels and my desire to avoid that shitty feeling trumps my desire to reap the benefits of all the potentially beautiful things that can arise from failure.
Here’s the other thing: right now, my dream is just that – a dream. Untouched, it can remain a fantasy of my idealistic life. Once I try to make it a reality, it’ll become just that – a reality. And we all know how ugly and brutal reality can be. Also, I’m fully aware that once I really try my hand at writing, I may not even like it. What, then? I don’t have a backup dream! So instead of trying and possibly tarnishing this beautiful dream of mine, I prefer to keep it at arm’s length, preserved in its pristine condition…
…until now. I’m sick of living a lesser version of what my life could be. And I’m tired of letting fear control me. Now, I know that fear is not overcome in a day, a month, or even a year. This is a battle I will most likely be fighting for the rest of my life, but it’s okay. I will win some (like finally gathering up the courage to start this blog) and lose some (like constantly making excuses not to post), but more importantly, I know I will learn many invaluable lessons along the way (like whether I actually want to be a writer). Starting now, I am committing myself to doing something everyday, whether it be big or small, to see what this dream actually looks like.
Disclosure: I know that last part sounds all self-assured and ready to take on anything, but truth be told I am having a very negatively visceral reaction to putting this out there. Granted, there are probably all of three people who might read this, but the fact that I am simply declaring this to the universe makes me feel really vulnerable. I guess that’s that fear trying to take over again. Well, it’s all out there now. No turning back.