Author: crazybuddhaful

Commitments

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I’m not really one who has an issue with commitment. Well, at least not with making them. It’s keeping them that’s the trouble. Just today, I told myself: exercise and write everyday. No matter how small or short, do something. Take a walk. Do twenty jumping jacks. Write 2 sentences. And, already, I feel myself retreating. I just want to lie in front of the TV and zone out.

There is so much I want to do. But, when the time comes, when it’s there in front of me, open and free, I just want to waste it. I know my fear of failure keeps me from trying many things, but I don’t think I’ve given enough credit to my fear of success. It’s so much more comfortable here, in my smallness where no one knows or expects anything from me. What if I really started achieving the success that I only fantasize about? I’d no longer have my anonymity to hide inside. Is this what’s really holding me back…or am I just lazy?

Nicodemus and the Truth

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Meditation: Nicodemus was the one Pharisee who secretly believed in Jesus and who would meet with him anonymously at night to have deep spiritual conversations, but would never acknowledge his association with Jesus in the light of day. This story shows us the quiet pain that comes from not honoring what we know to be true, even if all we know to be true are the questions we are asking. We each have a divine inner voice that opens us to truth and a mediating social voice that is reluctant to show its truth to others. True Self v False Self. Very often, we continue, out of habit or fear, to behave in old ways, even though we know that the way of things (or that we ourselves) has changed.

 

I see myself doing this all the time. Around certain people, actually around all people, I’m very sarcastic and cheeky. It’s really only with myself that I show my softer, sensitive, very vulnerable side. Most people don’t know I have a spiritual side and would probably not believe its authenticity. I noticed this disparity in my personality awhile ago and have tried to bridge the gap, but when I’m tasked with a response, I almost always have something super sassy to say. Even when not prompted, I’ll make some cynical or smart ass comment. There was a time when I was pretty self centered and just thought it was funny. Truth be told, I still think it’s amusing, which I think is the main reason why I continue making such remarks. But, I’m not that person anymore. I’m not gonna lie, I still find most people to be pretty annoying. But, whereas before I used to find such people insufferable, I now hold compassion for them, or at least try to. It’s definitely a work in progress and there are some people who I think are just dumb AF, but when I can remember to be mindful, I can also see the beauty that they hold.

So why do I continue to use my sharp tongue to cut people? Why do I engage in this split living? It’s probably because I think it’s funny and makes me stand out. Deep down, I think I just want people to like me so I try to say the things I know they’re thinking but are too afraid to say. But, not all things are meant to be uttered out loud! And in reality, this very behavior I use to try to get people to like me probably has the opposite effect. I’m probably also trying to protect myself by giving off a really strong vibe so as to intimidate people from attacking me. Isn’t this what bullies do? Geez am I a bully??

Okay, all labels and judgments aside, how do I get my outward behavior to be more in line with my inner self? I’m definitely softer than I used to be, but I still say things sometimes that are better left unsaid. I mean I guess I know what the answer is: mindfulness. I need to be more present in the now. It’s funny because that implies that I’m not even really present when I’m saying things to people. I guess we all kind of run on autopilot. That’s why habits are so hard to break. It really takes conscious, consistent effort. Okay, well, tomorrow is a new day and a new chance. Let’s see how it goes.

From the Archive: House of Cards (2006)

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It was as if he picked up her house and shook it furiously, uprooting everything from its place. She had never seen so much crap–and she had never seen so clearly. She knew that things could never be put back the way they were.
What do you do when someone comes in and makes a list of your flaws, a list so long it extends further than the length of your being? Just places it apathetically in front of you, in black and white. You slowly go down the list and feel the sharp sting of truth in every item just staring boldly back at you. Things you had carefully hidden. Things you’d gone to such care to hide, even from, or especially from, yourself, so that you were convinced they no longer existed.

How did he find that? I locked it away so deeply I couldn’t even see it anymore.

But he had found it. He found everything. Knew everything, remembered everything. She hated that the most. Sometimes, she couldn’t even remember her last sentences. Sentences that made him so angry but she couldn’t understand why, for she had already forgotten what was said. Therein lied the problem. He remembered everything while she remembered nothing. They were from different worlds really, but they were made of the same soul.

Love + Despair

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A few days ago, I fell into a hole of despair. The day started off fine. I was supposed to go to a friend’s house for a little get together. But, somehow a little argument with my significant other regarding a few circumstances that complicated the issue of when to leave led to a full on breakdown. I no longer had any desire to go. The thought of being around people and having to make conversation made me cringe.

A little context…my dad has cancer. It’s a second time offender. It fuckin’ sucks. But, I’ve been dealing with it pretty well. This is life. It happens. I know. And fortunately, because I’ve been consistently working on living a more mindful life, I haven’t fallen back to my usual poor habits of dealing with things of this magnitude. No binge drinking, instigating fights with my significant other, playing the victim card as carte blanche to act like a complete asshole. So overall, I am really proud of myself for this progress. But, it still fuckin hurts and it still fuckin sucks. Hence, the mental breakdowns.

It can hit me out of nowhere. Set off by the most innocuous events. Or sometimes, by nothing at all. The night before I snapped, I was in the greatest mood. Even the morning of, I was excited about spending the weekend reading, writing and delving into some new art projects. I went over to my dad’s and made him some soup he was craving. He finished the whole bowl, which was amazing because his tongue’s burnt from radiation and he hasn’t been able to eat much due to the pain. Then the phone call…the argument…and it was all over. I just felt the sting of sadness poking me at first. Then it progressed to a numbing of the whole self. When I got home, I dug my feet (or body, rather) into my bed and just lay there staring vacantly out the window.

I couldn’t snap out of it. I no longer wanted to do anything. At first, it wasn’t that bad. It was still daylight and I just watched some TV. But as the night approached, I started feeling anxious and claustrophobic. I didn’t know what the fuck I would do for the rest of the night. I didn’t want to spend the night watching TV. I already inadvertently took a nap, so I wasn’t tired anymore. I started reading. I’m currently reading The Fountainhead and I just started the part on Gail Wynand. As I was reading about this orphaned boy who was eating trash and sleeping on the streets with his laser like focus on accomplishing what he now knew he wanted out of life, I felt subconscious parts of my mind that held information from all the other things I’d been reading or listening to start to activate. Things like discipline, presence, vulnerability, and deliberate practice. Somehow the haze started lifting and I made it over to my paper and pencils.

I definitely felt better the next day and even went for a run. I was ready to take on the day. Then another innocuous exchange of words and BAM, I was back in the hole. It really hurts down there. The purpose of things starts to disintegrate and I don’t want to use any of the tools I’ve gathered for dealing with these kind of situations. I just want to lay under the blanket, curl up into the smallest form of myself, shut my eyes and try to cry the pain away. Am I being over dramatic? Is there something wrong with me? Am I crazy? Or do I just feel too much?

I know this suffering is pointing me towards something…and I’m pretty sure it has to do with the situation with my dad. But, I don’t want to. I’m not ready. I can deal with it from an abstract, philosophical kind of way. But on the emotional level, where I’m a child facing the possibility of losing a parent… I think I’ve tried to disconnect, or at least distance, myself from the emotions. There are so many things I want to say and know. In the past, I could say and ask him anything. But, now… I can see his vulnerability and it really unnerves me.

Death. I know it’s a part of life. And I know that experiencing the death of a loved one is just as vital a part of the human experience as birth is. Or love. It’s probably the key to understanding what Camus meant when he said, “There is no love of life without despair of life.” But, I don’t like it. And I don’t want it around me…not this close. But, here it is. I guess this is what my suffering was trying to point me towards. This definitely wasn’t where I was going when I started writing this, but here I am. OK…I get it. It’s time for me to do the work. I have to accept you as a part of life.

I do.

 

I will.

Why Suffering is a Good Thing

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afterlight

Life is suffering. It’s the first of Buddha’s four Noble Truths. Suffering is the inevitable accompaniment of physical life.

I used to tear myself up about this. My internal conflict. My tortured soul. When I was younger, I drank myself silly over it. I couldn’t understand why/how other people were not as affected as me. How they could just go about their very similarly situated lives dealing with it so much better than I could. My rationalization was that they just didn’t think about things as deeply as I did. But, I couldn’t decide whether that was better or worse. They say ignorance is bliss and those of us who think and feel ourselves crazy, know that if not for all these thoughts in our heads, we could be pretty happy. But, what kind of happiness would it be? Would it be as fulfilling? It could very well be, given that you’d be ignorant of any other kinds. Ultimately, I suppose it’s all relative and I think it’s safe to say, comparison doesn’t ever really lead to feeling better…at least not when it comes to the nuances of the human condition.

So, this is something I’ve been struggling with for a long time…as long as I can remember discerningly thinking about the world and our place in it. Suffering. Misery. Pain. I feel these things acutely. So acutely, and very often for no explicable reason. I get over emotional and (unadmittedly) over dramatic. Words in a book can jump off the page, shake up my heart and incite tears to stream down my face. Watching the lives, real or imagined (like the specials on Pacquiao or Mayweather before their big fight, or episodes of Empire) of people develop and unravel can also rattle me to my core. I feel their pain (even when it’s fiction!) as my pain. I used to think there was something wrong with me…that I was just crazy. And I really resented my emotions. I saw them as a flaw, a kink in my personality that I needed to fix…or rather drown with alcohol…which ironically, just made me even more emotional the next few days as the chemicals in my brain would readjust to the reality of being sober.

Then a friend said something to me that started to shift the way I viewed my emotions and suffering. I was going through one of my usual conniptions, reeling and wondering what the fuck was wrong with me. I had a pretty glorious childhood: no traumatic incidents, I was sufficiently provided for and there was no deficit of love or support. If anything, they overpraised me (which can cause it’s own slew of problems, I know…sometimes, it can even be worse, but that’s a whole other topic). So, I couldn’t understand why the fuck I felt so tortured all the time. And she said to me, something along the lines of: Maybe your emotions and the way you feel is a gift that allows you to empathize with things even though you haven’t been through it yourself. She probably doesn’t know it, (though I’ve told her, she probably doesn’t realize the impact that simple statement had on me) but she really opened up a new paradigm for me.

Pain…suffering…misery…I don’t have to look at these things as simply negative experiences meant to be avoided at all costs anymore. Not only did I realize that these feelings come with the capacity to empathize and hold compassion for others, but it also opened me up to other ways of thinking about it as well. I’ve started to view my suffering and excessive emotions as signs pointing me towards things that are really important to me. I think in the same way that physical pain lets us know that something in our body is malfunctioning, emotional pain is trying to bring our attention to things we need to work on and heal in our lives. That something is bubbling under the surface and needs to get out…and the more magnified that pain is, the more likely we are to do something about it. Because that’s kind of how we’re built as humans, right? None of us are going to run to the dentist when our tooth just hurts a little bit.

Relaxing into Relaxing

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I’m currently on vacation for two and a half weeks. It’s crazy how different I feel compared to my vacation last year. Last year, from the moment I left, I was already anxious about it being over…and the thought of going back to work depressed me beyond solace. I also had a lot of expectations and anything that didn’t precisely match those visions, disappointed the shit out of me. Needless to say, I fought with my partner almost everyday.

I heard the other day (on a podcast, can’t remember which one) that people have expectations of how things should look…their careers, relationships, homes, vacations etc. And when these things don’t turn out exactly the way they dreamed up, it would cause all kinds of grief. 100% yes. So much of my life has been spent getting worked up over my idealistic visions not panning out. The funny part is, our expectations are almost always ridiculously idealistic…yet, we expect them to come true. In what world do people go on vacation, never fight and have the time of their lives every single minute? Traveling is tough and comes with a shit ton of inconveniences, discomforts and unpredictability. So why do we expect anything less…or more? That’s probably a question that requires its own space.

Anyways, so on that podcast, the trick was to just relax into the moment…and simply accept things as they unfold. Even just a year ago, this was not something I thought was possible. But, due to my mindfulness practice (and a plethora of other practices to become the best version of myself), this has actually been quite doable. When I discovered there was a shrieking baby two rows ahead of me on my redeye flight, I just opened my book and carried on.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not all rainbows and butterflies over here. I have some pretty hardwired codependency issues so there have been serious struggles. Picking places to eat brings about an enormous (completely internal) amount of stress. Especially since I’m in a country where everyone supposedly eats dinner out so reservations are a must…and they speak a different language. Case in point: I tried making a reservation over the phone last night, and after a few exchanges the host hung up on me. But, I’m trying to take it in stride…

Whereas I’d usually be in my head thinking my partner is getting annoyed that it’s late, we’re hungry and we still haven’t found a place…this time, I was still there, but I wasn’t swimming in it. It was more like I could see the pool and I dipped my foot in. But I refused to throw myself in completely. Luckily, we walked to a restaurant and got seated right away…who knows what would’ve happened if there was a 2 hour wait. Oh, I do: panic, self imposed guilt, anger, and of course, the all time favorite: defensively attack partner and make myself the victim. Fortunately, that wasn’t the case and we had a nice time.

Let’s see how today goes.

Note to Self: Intention

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Be intentional in your actions today. Before interacting with anyone, take a moment and ask yourself: What am I trying to accomplish from this interaction? Do I want to be right? Helpful? Hurtful? Kind? Am I trying to get approval? Praise?

Be realistic about the possible outcomes, but don’t psyche yourself with anxiety. You may get a negative or critical response. That’s okay…that response does not determine your self worth and value as the wonderful human you are working towards becoming. It’s just an interpretation through that person’s lens. That person has a common goal: he or she just wants to be happy too. Don’t react…or react, but watch the reaction. Know that your reactive thoughts are not your true nature, but simply visitors. Acknowledge them as such…offer them some tea and let them be on their way.

Life = Yoga

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I’m becoming more and more convinced that life is just a huge studio for yoga practice. Today is a new opportunity to practice all the things I’ve learned. I’ve had a great long weekend to myself, but, now I must go back into the world of stimuli…where people and situations exist like minefields for reactions. I will try to seize every opportunity to act on my new resolutions: dropping the old habits of automatic negative reactivity and replacing them with new habits of acceptance and compassion. Let’s see how this goes…

Fuck With Me, You Know I Got It

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That’s the universe for you. It’s either fucking with me hard or opening up space for me to keep practicing who I want to be…the practice of Life Yoga. Two members of my team quit within two months without giving notice. The first one was really negative and hated the company since before I got there, but the other one…I have no idea. As their manager, I went straight to pointing the finger at myself. Am I that difficult to work with? Did I mistreat them? Did they just think I was a piece of shit?

I really don’t think I’m a delusional person and I know how sensitive and defensive people can be about work so I’m very mindful and intentional about everything I say and do in that space. I know I can come off rough at times (I have a very strong personality and am committed to telling the truth, sometimes overly so…like when it’ll hurt someone’s feelings – I know, I’m working on it), but I really don’t think I was unreasonable. Needless to say I got on the crazy train several times this past week and just went around and around the same loop. What did I do? Why did this happen? What’s wrong with me?

It was definitely a roller coaster, but I think I ultimately chose to be the victor instead of the victim. First off, I’m not hung over from getting blacked out drunk last night – huge win. I also didn’t instigate any gratuitous fights with my partner all week – another huge win. I know the battle’s not over yet, it’s only been a week and it ended with my boss saying some pretty baseless crap, but I’m pretty surprised (and proud!) at how well I’m dealing. Don’t get me wrong, I cried like six times today and am still very emotionally unstable…but, I’m okay with that. There is a lot of stuff going on up there in my head. Although, I do think a lot of the emotions may be coming from the confusion of my not giving in so easily to my natural tendency for negativity. If this were a year ago, I would be binge-watching Netflix, stuffing my face with pizza and chips.

Instead, I woke up this morning and went straight to feeding my good wolf. I remembered a podcast I listened to earlier this week on The Good Life Project with Gretchen Rubin and the power of habits (Gretchen Rubin: How to Build Habits That Change Lives). Some pretty nasty reviews on her first book, The Happiness Project led me to wondering what Maria Popova had to say about her (Better than Before: A Psychological Field Guide to Harnessing the Transformative Power of Habit) …which led me to some great material on William James and habits (William James on Habit). Later, curious about the difference between fear and anxiety, I stumbled unto Harriet Lerner and a book about dealing with fear (The Dance of Fear: Rising Above Anxiety, Fear, and Shame to Be Your Best and Bravest Self). All in all, the level of stress in my body feels pretty low and I feel really happy/proud that I spent the day trying to learn instead of wallowing. Now time for some pasta, wine and a few cigarettes… It’s all about balance, right?

Mental Ramblings: Checking Your Negativity

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Version 2

STOP. Whatever crazy shit is going on in your head, just stop RIGHT NOW. Take a step back. What are the FACTS that are bothering you. Not your interpretation of what happened, but the actual thing or things that took place. Not the reasons why you think it happened, or why you think it’s fucked up or unfair. JUST THE ACTUAL EVENTS THAT TOOK PLACE. The things that were actually said or done.

Okay, now here’s the reality: those things happened. They happened. You don’t know why. You don’t know what was going on in that person’s mind when he or she did it. You have some guesses…and you’re pretty sure they’re right. But, remember, however educated those guesses may be, they are in fact just your opinions. Theories, unproven hypotheses. Even in the case that the person was to tell you his or her reasons behind what they did, there is no way to tell if that person is actually telling the truth. Even if they think they are telling the truth, they themselves may not even be aware of the real reason behind what they did or said.

We are all complicated people. But, we are also very simple. This is the fundamental problem with us living as sentient beings here on earth: we live in a state of duality. We see ourselves and everything around us as separate from each other. Just the sound of the statement: you and this chair are one and the same sounds absolutely ridiculous and unfathomable. But that is a universal truth: we are all one. Not just “we all” as in all us humans. Every fuckin’ thing. However, given the way our minds, psychology, and consciousness exists today, could we ever comprehend and believe a statement like that? It’s unlikely. But, here’s something we can wrap our heads around: We’re all just doing the best we can. We are all just trying to survive. We all just want to be loved and feel significant in some way.

Now, the “best” of someone may seem really shitty to us, but to that person, they may just not know any other way. And not to absolve any of ourselves from the role we play in the people we become, but none of us get to choose the lives we are born into. Our parents, our upbringing, the values that were (or weren’t) ingrained in us from an early age…we don’t get to choose any of that…just like our parents before us didn’t get to choose what they got. Really stop and think about it: how many of your characteristics/traits do you genuinely love? Our bias for negativity, our quickness to react and get worked up over the littlest of things, our inability or refusal to push our fears aside and unwaveringly go after what we really want in life…how many of us genuinely want or choose to act this way? So have a little compassion for that person that is causing you grief. I know it’s easier said than done: 90% of the time I get carried away and have imaginary confrontations with people where I tell them what idiotic assholes they are. But that other 10% of the time, I catch myself right before I get on that train of mental fury. I realize that train ain’t gonna take me anywhere I want or need to go, so I turn around and walk away. Sometimes I don’t catch myself until right after I get on the train, which means I have to jump off the now moving vehicle. This is clearly more difficult, but if the train hasn’t caught much momentum yet, it can actually be quite invigorating.

Another tip: whenever I’m successful at not giving in to my natural tendency for negativity, I take a handful of seconds to let my victory soak in. I take a few breaths with a smile on my face and I let that blissful feeling of accomplishment flow through my body. Because once upon a time, not too long ago, I got on that crazy train 100% of the time without ever even thinking about it, without even realizing I had a choice. Now, I know it might seem like some of us really don’t have a choice, like it just happens before we can even do anything about it, and that’s because a lot of times, it does. We live a majority of our lives on autopilot – going through each day unconsciously and unintentionally. But try increasing your awareness of the present moment. Try being open to what is happening right now, instead of what happened a few minutes ago or what might happen tomorrow. Try to remember the next time something or someone upsets you that you have a choice: you can get on the train or you can walk away. And if you can keep choosing to walk away (even if it’s only 1% of the time), you’ll see that it gets a little bit easier after each time. This is not to say that it ever gets easy, at least not for me, not at this point…but it definitely starts to feel more and more possible.