Why Not?

~ crazybuddhaful ~ Leave a comment

I am going to be happy today because…well, why not?! I’ve been in the shittiest of moods because my back has been out for the past week. I’m still pretty stiff and thoughts of work are still irritating the shit out of me, but this is my life…my day…and I get to choose. So, I am going to choose to be happy.

The things that are bothering me revolve around power, success, money. The attachments I’ve grown to these things basically rule my life, my thoughts, my dreams. But, I don’t need these things to be happy…and attachment is actually the source of all suffering, right? So, today, I’m going to let it go (or at least start my day trying). I’m going to observe closely as the day unravels and try to be mindful in every moment – cultivating a willingness to just be with what is. I’m sure I’ll forget as soon as I get in the car or start having my first human interaction of the day, but hopefully at some point, I’ll remember again. And then I’ll take a deep breathe…and another one. I’ll keep breathing in and out, slowly…until the bad is out and the good is restored.

More Than Anything

~ crazybuddhaful ~ Leave a comment

What is the most important thing to you in life?

Five years ago, I would have said love without a doubt…without even thinking about it. But, today, I’m not so sure. Does that mean something? Have I been jaded? Hmm, maybe that’s one of the “scars” from that fucked up ass relationship. You know, if I really think about it, this is a really big deal. The fact that I can’t say that love is the biggest thing at stake for me is huge. Love is all I’ve ever cared about. But, now, I have to actually think about how much it means to me at all.

I just talked to a friend and when I posed that question to her, she said love. Unequivocally, LOVE. “I know it’s so cliche to say, but it’s love.”

The funny thing is, I’m in love. I’m in love with a man that I know I want to be with for the rest of my life. But that love has evolved into something…I don’t even know how to describe it. It’s definitely not the “ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t live without each other” love that Carrie Bradshaw talked about. Well, wait, it is the can’t live without each other love. It just isn’t ridiculous, inconvenient, and consuming. Is that maturity? Or is that the thing that happens when people get married or have been together so long it feels like you’re just living with a roommate? I don’t know. I guess I’m old enough now to know that being in love doesn’t mean you have to be in a constant state of upheaval. Maybe what I was experiencing before was just infatuation. Obsession. Co-dependency. I need you to make me feel good about myself. I need you to validate my self worth. I don’t feel like I need that anymore. I just need you to not make me feel bad about myself.

Maybe I’ve finally grown to the stage where I can feel good about myself by myself. I can stand alone with the knowledge that I’m good enough. I have worth apart from what you think of me and how you make me feel about myself. Is that maturity? Or is that the thing that happens when you start accepting yourself for the beautiful mess that makes you who you are? I know I’ll always be a little messy and rough around the edges. I may very likely never be able to stop participating in the occasional bouts of binge drinking that lead to excruciatingly long and shameful hangovers of the maniacal variety. But I’ve come to accept that part of me…or at least not judge it too harshly.

Back to the point. What do I care most about? What do I want more than anything in the world?
Equanimity?
Peace?
Validation?
Power?
Success?
Love? (Adoration?)

Huh… I really can’t answer that question. Does that mean something? Ha. Not everything has to fuckin’ mean something.

Everything Is As It Should Be

~ crazybuddhaful ~ Leave a comment

A

Today is a momentous day as I have finally, finally taken the steps to create this blog that I have been thinking about for the past 3-4 years. Being the neurotic creature that I am, I thought about it, thought about doing it, and then thought about it some more. Yet, I never did it. The funny thing is I didn’t even think about doing it today…it just somehow happened. I got out of bed to take some notes on a video I had just watched on the difference between empathy and sympathy, (http://www.brainpickings.org/2013/12/11/brene-brown-rsa-animated/) and before I knew it I was on WordPress agonizing over clicking the “Create Blog” button.

As a product of our scarcity culture, I am always struggling with the issue of “not _______ enough.” The biggest _______ being that I am never good enough and what that equates to is that I am not extraordinary enough because good is no longer good unless it is extraordinary. An ordinary life is a meaningless life. I struggle with this fallacy on a daily basis, from my career to my relationships to my ability (or lack thereof) to crack an egg with finesse. This is why I won’t start things that I really want to do. I am afraid that what I will produce will be ordinary…average…above average at best. And above average is still NOT good enough.

I clearly have unrealistic expectations. The other day, I got a letter in the mail from my 8 year old niece. Her mother had asked for my address the other day so I was very excited to see what it was – we (my niece and I) had talked about writing letters to each other via snail mail awhile ago. I eagerly opened the envelope to see an elaborately decorated, handmade postcard that said “thanks.” I turned the card over to see a thank you note, in her handwriting, for her birthday present. I was immediately disappointed because I knew she had sent this to everyone else that had given her a birthday present. I was no longer special, and this somehow diminished the value of the beautifully handcrafted note from my precious 8 year old niece.

I’m an asshole. No, I had an asshole moment due to my warped expectations. I am a good person. I am good enough and I am just the way that I should be at this point in time. Everything is okay just the way it is. Even the fact that it took me years to start this blog. It wasn’t time then. It is now. Everything is as it should be.