acceptance

Every Day

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Everyday, do ONE thing that makes you a better person. No, fuck that. Do one thing that gets you closer to the person you want to be. So, who do I want to be?

I want to a writer.
I want to be a scholar.
I want to be kind through and through.
I want to be patient.
I want to be an artist.
I want to be a creator.

I think we put too much pressure on ourselves, and we ignore all the tiny things that we do that contribute to making us who we are. If I read a book, I’m taking in writing that I appreciate. If I text a friend something nice, I’m becoming more loving. If I pluck a succulent leaf to propagate, I’m creating life. If I don’t get mad while stuck in traffic, if I don’t get frustrated with how annoying work is, I’m becoming more patient. Why do I think these little things don’t matter? Why do I feel like I have to do such grand things to be working towards my purpose? It’s not that onerous. It’s simple. It’s easy. It’s being done, day by day, moment by moment. I just have to acknowledge it.

Dead Battery

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I’m driving up to Big Sur this weekend to visit my friend at Esalen. In preparation, I went to get my car checked yesterday to make sure everything was in good condition. Last night when I got home, I went through the glove compartment to make sure my registration and insurance was in there. I turned on the little light in the middle and reminded myself, “You better fuckin’ remember to turn this thing off.” I have a tendency to forget to do that. Also, last week, I left my lights on while at a Dodgers game, and when I tried to start the car to leave, my battery was dead. So in light of this recent occurrence, it was especially important that I not forgot. Also, since the distress from that experience is still pretty fresh, I figured there’s no way I would forgot.

Skip to this morning. We have a one car garage and P’s car was blocking mine, so I moved it out of the way and got into my car. Click, click, click, click, click. What the?! Yes, you guessed it. Immediately:

Oh…my…god…
You forgot to turn off the fuckin’ light!
You’re such a fuckin’ idiot.
What the hell is wrong with you?!
Is this battery done now? I’m going to have to buy a new fuckin’ battery. There goes another couple hundred down the drain.

I want to cry. I cried. I hate myself. I hate my life. I’m supposed to be at my parent’s house right now to take care of my Dad while my mom takes care of an errand. I feel like this is a sick joke. One fucked up situation stacked on top of another, and it won’t stop. A Jenga master has control of my life and they’re just racking it up.

A shit ton of mindful breaths and a call to AAA later…I’m here. It’s okay. It happened. I’m not an idiot. Yes, I did a very stupid, careless thing, but that does not in and of itself make me some incompetent worthless creature. AAA is coming. Shit happens, but that does not mean that I am shit. I’m not shit. I’m human. I still want to cry and I probably will, but there is a tiny part of me inside that knows it’s okay. I need to be open to that part and let it do its thing instead of drowning it out with all the pernicious, negative thoughts that want to rule this world inside of my head.

May I be at ease.
May I know that I am worthy.
May I feel that I am good enough.

Love + Despair

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A few days ago, I fell into a hole of despair. The day started off fine. I was supposed to go to a friend’s house for a little get together. But, somehow a little argument with my significant other regarding a few circumstances that complicated the issue of when to leave led to a full on breakdown. I no longer had any desire to go. The thought of being around people and having to make conversation made me cringe.

A little context…my dad has cancer. It’s a second time offender. It fuckin’ sucks. But, I’ve been dealing with it pretty well. This is life. It happens. I know. And fortunately, because I’ve been consistently working on living a more mindful life, I haven’t fallen back to my usual poor habits of dealing with things of this magnitude. No binge drinking, instigating fights with my significant other, playing the victim card as carte blanche to act like a complete asshole. So overall, I am really proud of myself for this progress. But, it still fuckin hurts and it still fuckin sucks. Hence, the mental breakdowns.

It can hit me out of nowhere. Set off by the most innocuous events. Or sometimes, by nothing at all. The night before I snapped, I was in the greatest mood. Even the morning of, I was excited about spending the weekend reading, writing and delving into some new art projects. I went over to my dad’s and made him some soup he was craving. He finished the whole bowl, which was amazing because his tongue’s burnt from radiation and he hasn’t been able to eat much due to the pain. Then the phone call…the argument…and it was all over. I just felt the sting of sadness poking me at first. Then it progressed to a numbing of the whole self. When I got home, I dug my feet (or body, rather) into my bed and just lay there staring vacantly out the window.

I couldn’t snap out of it. I no longer wanted to do anything. At first, it wasn’t that bad. It was still daylight and I just watched some TV. But as the night approached, I started feeling anxious and claustrophobic. I didn’t know what the fuck I would do for the rest of the night. I didn’t want to spend the night watching TV. I already inadvertently took a nap, so I wasn’t tired anymore. I started reading. I’m currently reading The Fountainhead and I just started the part on Gail Wynand. As I was reading about this orphaned boy who was eating trash and sleeping on the streets with his laser like focus on accomplishing what he now knew he wanted out of life, I felt subconscious parts of my mind that held information from all the other things I’d been reading or listening to start to activate. Things like discipline, presence, vulnerability, and deliberate practice. Somehow the haze started lifting and I made it over to my paper and pencils.

I definitely felt better the next day and even went for a run. I was ready to take on the day. Then another innocuous exchange of words and BAM, I was back in the hole. It really hurts down there. The purpose of things starts to disintegrate and I don’t want to use any of the tools I’ve gathered for dealing with these kind of situations. I just want to lay under the blanket, curl up into the smallest form of myself, shut my eyes and try to cry the pain away. Am I being over dramatic? Is there something wrong with me? Am I crazy? Or do I just feel too much?

I know this suffering is pointing me towards something…and I’m pretty sure it has to do with the situation with my dad. But, I don’t want to. I’m not ready. I can deal with it from an abstract, philosophical kind of way. But on the emotional level, where I’m a child facing the possibility of losing a parent… I think I’ve tried to disconnect, or at least distance, myself from the emotions. There are so many things I want to say and know. In the past, I could say and ask him anything. But, now… I can see his vulnerability and it really unnerves me.

Death. I know it’s a part of life. And I know that experiencing the death of a loved one is just as vital a part of the human experience as birth is. Or love. It’s probably the key to understanding what Camus meant when he said, “There is no love of life without despair of life.” But, I don’t like it. And I don’t want it around me…not this close. But, here it is. I guess this is what my suffering was trying to point me towards. This definitely wasn’t where I was going when I started writing this, but here I am. OK…I get it. It’s time for me to do the work. I have to accept you as a part of life.

I do.

 

I will.

Why Suffering is a Good Thing

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afterlight

Life is suffering. It’s the first of Buddha’s four Noble Truths. Suffering is the inevitable accompaniment of physical life.

I used to tear myself up about this. My internal conflict. My tortured soul. When I was younger, I drank myself silly over it. I couldn’t understand why/how other people were not as affected as me. How they could just go about their very similarly situated lives dealing with it so much better than I could. My rationalization was that they just didn’t think about things as deeply as I did. But, I couldn’t decide whether that was better or worse. They say ignorance is bliss and those of us who think and feel ourselves crazy, know that if not for all these thoughts in our heads, we could be pretty happy. But, what kind of happiness would it be? Would it be as fulfilling? It could very well be, given that you’d be ignorant of any other kinds. Ultimately, I suppose it’s all relative and I think it’s safe to say, comparison doesn’t ever really lead to feeling better…at least not when it comes to the nuances of the human condition.

So, this is something I’ve been struggling with for a long time…as long as I can remember discerningly thinking about the world and our place in it. Suffering. Misery. Pain. I feel these things acutely. So acutely, and very often for no explicable reason. I get over emotional and (unadmittedly) over dramatic. Words in a book can jump off the page, shake up my heart and incite tears to stream down my face. Watching the lives, real or imagined (like the specials on Pacquiao or Mayweather before their big fight, or episodes of Empire) of people develop and unravel can also rattle me to my core. I feel their pain (even when it’s fiction!) as my pain. I used to think there was something wrong with me…that I was just crazy. And I really resented my emotions. I saw them as a flaw, a kink in my personality that I needed to fix…or rather drown with alcohol…which ironically, just made me even more emotional the next few days as the chemicals in my brain would readjust to the reality of being sober.

Then a friend said something to me that started to shift the way I viewed my emotions and suffering. I was going through one of my usual conniptions, reeling and wondering what the fuck was wrong with me. I had a pretty glorious childhood: no traumatic incidents, I was sufficiently provided for and there was no deficit of love or support. If anything, they overpraised me (which can cause it’s own slew of problems, I know…sometimes, it can even be worse, but that’s a whole other topic). So, I couldn’t understand why the fuck I felt so tortured all the time. And she said to me, something along the lines of: Maybe your emotions and the way you feel is a gift that allows you to empathize with things even though you haven’t been through it yourself. She probably doesn’t know it, (though I’ve told her, she probably doesn’t realize the impact that simple statement had on me) but she really opened up a new paradigm for me.

Pain…suffering…misery…I don’t have to look at these things as simply negative experiences meant to be avoided at all costs anymore. Not only did I realize that these feelings come with the capacity to empathize and hold compassion for others, but it also opened me up to other ways of thinking about it as well. I’ve started to view my suffering and excessive emotions as signs pointing me towards things that are really important to me. I think in the same way that physical pain lets us know that something in our body is malfunctioning, emotional pain is trying to bring our attention to things we need to work on and heal in our lives. That something is bubbling under the surface and needs to get out…and the more magnified that pain is, the more likely we are to do something about it. Because that’s kind of how we’re built as humans, right? None of us are going to run to the dentist when our tooth just hurts a little bit.

Note to Self: Intention

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Be intentional in your actions today. Before interacting with anyone, take a moment and ask yourself: What am I trying to accomplish from this interaction? Do I want to be right? Helpful? Hurtful? Kind? Am I trying to get approval? Praise?

Be realistic about the possible outcomes, but don’t psyche yourself with anxiety. You may get a negative or critical response. That’s okay…that response does not determine your self worth and value as the wonderful human you are working towards becoming. It’s just an interpretation through that person’s lens. That person has a common goal: he or she just wants to be happy too. Don’t react…or react, but watch the reaction. Know that your reactive thoughts are not your true nature, but simply visitors. Acknowledge them as such…offer them some tea and let them be on their way.

Fuck With Me, You Know I Got It

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That’s the universe for you. It’s either fucking with me hard or opening up space for me to keep practicing who I want to be…the practice of Life Yoga. Two members of my team quit within two months without giving notice. The first one was really negative and hated the company since before I got there, but the other one…I have no idea. As their manager, I went straight to pointing the finger at myself. Am I that difficult to work with? Did I mistreat them? Did they just think I was a piece of shit?

I really don’t think I’m a delusional person and I know how sensitive and defensive people can be about work so I’m very mindful and intentional about everything I say and do in that space. I know I can come off rough at times (I have a very strong personality and am committed to telling the truth, sometimes overly so…like when it’ll hurt someone’s feelings – I know, I’m working on it), but I really don’t think I was unreasonable. Needless to say I got on the crazy train several times this past week and just went around and around the same loop. What did I do? Why did this happen? What’s wrong with me?

It was definitely a roller coaster, but I think I ultimately chose to be the victor instead of the victim. First off, I’m not hung over from getting blacked out drunk last night – huge win. I also didn’t instigate any gratuitous fights with my partner all week – another huge win. I know the battle’s not over yet, it’s only been a week and it ended with my boss saying some pretty baseless crap, but I’m pretty surprised (and proud!) at how well I’m dealing. Don’t get me wrong, I cried like six times today and am still very emotionally unstable…but, I’m okay with that. There is a lot of stuff going on up there in my head. Although, I do think a lot of the emotions may be coming from the confusion of my not giving in so easily to my natural tendency for negativity. If this were a year ago, I would be binge-watching Netflix, stuffing my face with pizza and chips.

Instead, I woke up this morning and went straight to feeding my good wolf. I remembered a podcast I listened to earlier this week on The Good Life Project with Gretchen Rubin and the power of habits (Gretchen Rubin: How to Build Habits That Change Lives). Some pretty nasty reviews on her first book, The Happiness Project led me to wondering what Maria Popova had to say about her (Better than Before: A Psychological Field Guide to Harnessing the Transformative Power of Habit) …which led me to some great material on William James and habits (William James on Habit). Later, curious about the difference between fear and anxiety, I stumbled unto Harriet Lerner and a book about dealing with fear (The Dance of Fear: Rising Above Anxiety, Fear, and Shame to Be Your Best and Bravest Self). All in all, the level of stress in my body feels pretty low and I feel really happy/proud that I spent the day trying to learn instead of wallowing. Now time for some pasta, wine and a few cigarettes… It’s all about balance, right?

Mental Ramblings: Checking Your Negativity

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Version 2

STOP. Whatever crazy shit is going on in your head, just stop RIGHT NOW. Take a step back. What are the FACTS that are bothering you. Not your interpretation of what happened, but the actual thing or things that took place. Not the reasons why you think it happened, or why you think it’s fucked up or unfair. JUST THE ACTUAL EVENTS THAT TOOK PLACE. The things that were actually said or done.

Okay, now here’s the reality: those things happened. They happened. You don’t know why. You don’t know what was going on in that person’s mind when he or she did it. You have some guesses…and you’re pretty sure they’re right. But, remember, however educated those guesses may be, they are in fact just your opinions. Theories, unproven hypotheses. Even in the case that the person was to tell you his or her reasons behind what they did, there is no way to tell if that person is actually telling the truth. Even if they think they are telling the truth, they themselves may not even be aware of the real reason behind what they did or said.

We are all complicated people. But, we are also very simple. This is the fundamental problem with us living as sentient beings here on earth: we live in a state of duality. We see ourselves and everything around us as separate from each other. Just the sound of the statement: you and this chair are one and the same sounds absolutely ridiculous and unfathomable. But that is a universal truth: we are all one. Not just “we all” as in all us humans. Every fuckin’ thing. However, given the way our minds, psychology, and consciousness exists today, could we ever comprehend and believe a statement like that? It’s unlikely. But, here’s something we can wrap our heads around: We’re all just doing the best we can. We are all just trying to survive. We all just want to be loved and feel significant in some way.

Now, the “best” of someone may seem really shitty to us, but to that person, they may just not know any other way. And not to absolve any of ourselves from the role we play in the people we become, but none of us get to choose the lives we are born into. Our parents, our upbringing, the values that were (or weren’t) ingrained in us from an early age…we don’t get to choose any of that…just like our parents before us didn’t get to choose what they got. Really stop and think about it: how many of your characteristics/traits do you genuinely love? Our bias for negativity, our quickness to react and get worked up over the littlest of things, our inability or refusal to push our fears aside and unwaveringly go after what we really want in life…how many of us genuinely want or choose to act this way? So have a little compassion for that person that is causing you grief. I know it’s easier said than done: 90% of the time I get carried away and have imaginary confrontations with people where I tell them what idiotic assholes they are. But that other 10% of the time, I catch myself right before I get on that train of mental fury. I realize that train ain’t gonna take me anywhere I want or need to go, so I turn around and walk away. Sometimes I don’t catch myself until right after I get on the train, which means I have to jump off the now moving vehicle. This is clearly more difficult, but if the train hasn’t caught much momentum yet, it can actually be quite invigorating.

Another tip: whenever I’m successful at not giving in to my natural tendency for negativity, I take a handful of seconds to let my victory soak in. I take a few breaths with a smile on my face and I let that blissful feeling of accomplishment flow through my body. Because once upon a time, not too long ago, I got on that crazy train 100% of the time without ever even thinking about it, without even realizing I had a choice. Now, I know it might seem like some of us really don’t have a choice, like it just happens before we can even do anything about it, and that’s because a lot of times, it does. We live a majority of our lives on autopilot – going through each day unconsciously and unintentionally. But try increasing your awareness of the present moment. Try being open to what is happening right now, instead of what happened a few minutes ago or what might happen tomorrow. Try to remember the next time something or someone upsets you that you have a choice: you can get on the train or you can walk away. And if you can keep choosing to walk away (even if it’s only 1% of the time), you’ll see that it gets a little bit easier after each time. This is not to say that it ever gets easy, at least not for me, not at this point…but it definitely starts to feel more and more possible.

The Field of My Woes

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Too often, I let myself get carried away into a field of negativity and unhappiness. When I finally look back to see what the hell pushed me there, I realize that more often than not, it was simply words someone spoke to me. This someone is usually my boss or significant other…basically, someone who has some kind of control over a part of my life. In the case of my boss – my livelihood. In the case of my significant other – my heart. After a few days of spewing negativity and just overall malcontent, my eyes, or heart, starts to open and I see that what I am truly battling with is my ego. Constantly repeating some negative phrase or rebuttal in my head, dissecting it to bits until there’s nothing left to analyze, my ego strives to keep me in my place by making me feel like there may be some truth in what was said, because then it can rise to defend me. Only when I feel wounded does my ego have a purpose, a call to fight. If I were to simply accept that what was said was simply a misguided attempt to protect that person’s own sense of self importance, then what on earth would my ego occupy itself with? Well, sorry Ego, but today, I am putting down my arms and walking out of this field. See you next time.

Stop Fighting So Hard

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Maybe my problem is always trying to figure things out. I remember I had a hell of a time with math once I got to Calculus. I couldn’t just follow the rules, I needed to know why. Why? Why? Why?

Maybe that’s what I need to do with life. Just follow the rules, stop trying to figure everything out.

Rule #1: Life isn’t based on any system of fairness. Deal with it.

Rule #2: Life is fuckin’ random. Stop fighting so hard and just roll with it.

Rule #3: A lot of shitty people somehow end up in positions of power…specifically over you. Refer to Rules 1 and 2. Just let it be. The universe has a way of working things out. Be patient.

Crazy vs Mindfulness

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The ego in me is so strong! My mind spends most of its day obsessing over things that really have nothing to do with the outcome of my life.

For example, a coworker of mine is quitting work. She put in her notice last week. She didn’t come in yesterday or the day before. She might go work for the person I was brought in to replace. For some reason, this upsets me. But, I have no personal issues with that person. We worked together for all of a month and I was kept pretty much removed from her so that our dealings were minimal. She seemed nice enough, but, somewhere along the way, mostly going off what I heard about her from others, I designated her an adversary, and so, decided to dislike her. Back to point – so what if my coworker goes to work for her and so what if she’s not coming in to work. She obviously just doesn’t give a fuck. Why should I?

Why do I? Apparently, because the world revolves around me and I have to somehow make EVERYTHING related to me on some level. Do most people do this? Or am I seriously that self involved that I have to make everyone else’s drama some kind of subplot in my life story? It’s come to the point where I’m taking her unreliability at a job that she has put in her notice with as a sign that I can’t depend on her in our friendship (she also hasn’t been responding to my texts, albeit I only sent two). I’m starting to say to myself, “Whatever, I’m over her,” basically because she’s not treating me as the center, or at least a more central, part of her universe.

This is how crazy I am. This is what my mindfulness and self-realization are up against. Granted that I’m not really obsessing over this all day. It doesn’t consume my every waking hour, but it’s still there…in the background of my thoughts…and it lightly pops up here and there. I never let it balloon out of control as I usually have enough sense to gently pop it back into its place. But, it’s there enough for me to feel that I need to acknowledge it and to take a step back and critically observe what is happening. What exactly am I, or is my ego, doing here? What kind of ploy is this to make myself some sort of victim – to give myself a reason to be upset, to suffer? Whatever it is, it simply just is…and I’m watching. Accepting. Disidentifying. I guess this one goes to mindfulness (ha crazy, you lose this time!) – at least for now.