dreams

I Will Choose

~ crazybuddhaful ~ Leave a comment

It’s been a really long time since I’ve posted. All the discipline I was cultivating started wilting from lack of nurturing and essentially came to decay. The pressures of all the different stresses in my life were too much, and instead of caring for myself in positive ways, I turned to negative releases. About five months ago, my world was turned upside down. I don’t want to go into details for many reasons, but it involves taking on the care of a pre-adolescent child. As one can imagine, this fundamentally changed the course of my entire life as I knew it, but more importantly, as I wanted it. Raising children, no doubt, can be a beautiful thing…if that’s what you want. But when something like this is thrust upon you with no choice in the matter (and zero time to prepare), well, I don’t think anyone can truly understand the gravity of it without experiencing it. Actually, I misspoke – I do have some choice in the matter. I can leave, but that would also involve leaving a relationship of nearly a decade. That’s longer than most marriages. But, as we all know, the sheer number of years is not reason enough to stay in a relationship. And I’m a firm believer in making truly conscious decisions about the path your life will take. I don’t want to be swept away and then carried indefinitely by the tides of chance. But that’s kind of what I’ve been doing…

The part of my life that I’ve actually been the most unhappy about is my work. It’s something I’ve been complaining about for awhile now. The single most exasperating part of my life. In the interest of making conscious decisions, I gave up my career as an attorney (so cliche, I know) to pursue something more creative. That “creative” pursuit was a career in fashion. I like it well enough and would take it over law any day, but it isn’t in line with my innards. That thing inside of me that I feel I need to get outside to the world. My calling…my purpose…my dharma. There’s this saying I heard once: My job isn’t who I am, it’s what I do. I know many people who feel this way, who can make this distinction. I, myself, have tried very hard to do the same. But, I can’t. It’s just not how it works for me.

We spend the majority of our lives working. There’s 168 hours in a week. Take away about 50 hours for sleep, and that leaves us with 118. Conservatively (and I’m being super conservative here), it takes us about an hour to get ready and another hour to commute to and from work – another 10 hours. That leaves us with 108. Assuming we only work 40 hours a week, which again, is a conservative measure in this ass backwards society of America, that means that 37% of our lives are spent working. That’s almost half of our waking lives (and this doesn’t account for the fact that we’re usually dead tired by the time we get off, so forget about spending that time productively).

How can I separate 40% from who I am, from what I’m contributing to the world? And if all that time is spent doing something I don’t really care about under people I don’t really respect, then can I truly say that I’m even in control of my life? I know, I know, everyone has the same number of hours. It’s not that I don’t actually have enough time, I’m just not making certain things a priority. And of course, there’s the ultimate: I can get another job. But, we all know that isn’t as easy as it sounds. And I’m not here to make excuses. That’s what I’ve been doing for the last half of this year. I’m done with that. I want to fuckin’ do something about it.

Now, I go through this phase every so often. Pumped up with motivation, sick of being tossed around by that tide of chance, ready to make moves and make shit happen. Then I lose momentum and go back to spending my extra time wallowing with friends over alcohol. But, hey, so what? One defeat (or even hundreds) doesn’t mean the game’s over. And even if I’m defeated over and over again, that’s still better than nothing, right? So how do I do this? How do I equip myself with enough tools and ammunition to give myself the best odds for success? Well, I’ve been gathering just such tools for a while now. Through podcasts, reading, meditating, conversing with people whose opinions I respect. Now it’s time to put it all down and make a plan.

JUST PICK ONE

~ crazybuddhaful ~ Leave a comment

I don’t like choosing. I know the freedom to choose is one of the greatest liberties we enjoy, but for me it’s too much pressure. What if I pick the wrong one? I’ll spend over twenty minutes just scrolling through Netflix unable to decide what I should watch. And ordering food? Well, in the comfort of my home, without a waiter putting any pressure on me, I’ll look through the menu reading all the descriptions…of course this is after the thirty to forty minutes it took me to decide the restaurant. Then I’ll go on Yelp to see if there are any pictures I can inspect. Then back to the menu and so forth and so on. Sometimes, I even struggle with which color straw to use from my assorted pack of straws. FOMO. It’s a real thing.

My issues with indecisiveness are not clinical; it’s more like a little bug bite that only flares up when you start scratching it. But it can definitely get in the way of me doing things. I’m really trying to figure out what I’m meant to do with my life, to discover my dharma or calling. There are a lot of things that I deeply care about and really get me excited. Reading and writing is definitely at the top of my list, but I also really love art. Psychology has always fascinated me and the thought of helping people feels really fulfilling. A few weeks ago I discovered hand lettering and then there’s business. Although I hate the idea of profit being the bottom line, I’ve always felt an entrepreneurial spirit inside of me. And I know that not all businesses have to be completely centered on making money. So what do I do? What do I pursue? What if I pick the wrong one and spend X amount of years chasing the wrong thing?

I was listening to an episode of The Good Life Project the other day (one of my favorite podcasts). It was an interview with the hand-lettering artist Sean McCabe and they touched upon this very matter. He basically said just pick one. You can always course correct later, but you can’t steer a parked car. (http://www.goodlifeproject.com/sean-mccabe/?t=radio) This really hit home for me. For years now, I’ve just been sitting in a parked car googling different places I could potentially go…pulling up the map and looking at all the different routes I could take to get to these places. What if I get lost? What if I drive all the way to Place A and it’s total shit? Well, then, I can go to Place K or W or S. Everything doesn’t need to be perfect (another huge issue I have). You can always change your mind later. Guess I don’t have any more excuses to fall back on. Time to turn on the engine and put the car into drive. I’m going left.

OK, Here Goes

~ crazybuddhaful ~ Leave a comment

For about 10 years now, I have been saying that my dream is to be a writer. However, in all those years I have not done anything to pursue this dream. Instead, I became a lawyer. When I realized I didn’t want to wake up 10-20 years later and hate my life, I decided to make a career change…into fashion. In all honesty, I enjoy what I do – it’s a hell of a lot more fun than law. But, deep down, I know that it’s not my passion. So why don’t I go after the thing I want most in life? Well, you know…it’s complicated.

Okay, that’s a lie. It’s actually quite simple. I can sum it up in one word: FEAR. Fear of not being good enough, fear of being judged, fear of uncertainty, and of course, that all crippling fear – fear of failure. I know I don’t have to have such a paralyzing fear of failure. I know that failure actually leads to success by eliminating things that don’t work. But, I also know how shitty failure feels and my desire to avoid that shitty feeling trumps my desire to reap the benefits of all the potentially beautiful things that can arise from failure.

Here’s the other thing: right now, my dream is just that – a dream. Untouched, it can remain a fantasy of my idealistic life. Once I try to make it a reality, it’ll become just that – a reality. And we all know how ugly and brutal reality can be. Also, I’m fully aware that once I really try my hand at writing, I may not even like it. What, then? I don’t have a backup dream! So instead of trying and possibly tarnishing this beautiful dream of mine, I prefer to keep it at arm’s length, preserved in its pristine condition…

…until now. I’m sick of living a lesser version of what my life could be. And I’m tired of letting fear control me. Now, I know that fear is not overcome in a day, a month, or even a year. This is a battle I will most likely be fighting for the rest of my life, but it’s okay. I will win some (like finally gathering up the courage to start this blog) and lose some (like constantly making excuses not to post), but more importantly, I know I will learn many invaluable lessons along the way (like whether I actually want to be a writer). Starting now, I am committing myself to doing something everyday, whether it be big or small, to see what this dream actually looks like.

Disclosure: I know that last part sounds all self-assured and ready to take on anything, but truth be told I am having a very negatively visceral reaction to putting this out there. Granted, there are probably all of three people who might read this, but the fact that I am simply declaring this to the universe makes me feel really vulnerable. I guess that’s that fear trying to take over again. Well, it’s all out there now. No turning back.