equanimity

Every Day

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Everyday, do ONE thing that makes you a better person. No, fuck that. Do one thing that gets you closer to the person you want to be. So, who do I want to be?

I want to a writer.
I want to be a scholar.
I want to be kind through and through.
I want to be patient.
I want to be an artist.
I want to be a creator.

I think we put too much pressure on ourselves, and we ignore all the tiny things that we do that contribute to making us who we are. If I read a book, I’m taking in writing that I appreciate. If I text a friend something nice, I’m becoming more loving. If I pluck a succulent leaf to propagate, I’m creating life. If I don’t get mad while stuck in traffic, if I don’t get frustrated with how annoying work is, I’m becoming more patient. Why do I think these little things don’t matter? Why do I feel like I have to do such grand things to be working towards my purpose? It’s not that onerous. It’s simple. It’s easy. It’s being done, day by day, moment by moment. I just have to acknowledge it.

Unending Storm

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It seems the storm just continues to grow and get worse. I really thought that I was at that point where, you know, “Well, it can’t get any worse. It has to get better from here.” Turns out, things can always get worse.

Last night, I spiraled, broke down and just wept. Why does the universe insist on piling it on? When can I catch a break? And of course, I spent quite a bit of time attaching stories of self blame to the latest event (one of my employees is leaving because she got a job that could offer her more money). Then, just before I went to bed, I decided to stop.

I don’t have to attach all this unnecessary, and in all likelihood untrue, meaning to what happened. What does this really mean? Someone quit. As a manager, this is an inconvenience. I’m going to have to find someone new and train them. Is my life really that bad?

I have an incredible father – yes he’s sick, but he’s still fuckin alive and I had the privilege of having him as my dad, uninterrupted until now…and still going, by the way.

I have an amazing partner that is showing up in all the ways I’ve ever wanted. How many people dream and yearn for this. I have it.

I have a great job that offers me exactly what I need right now. Yes, it’s difficult as fuck right now, soon to get even more challenging, but it’s just work. It is the means by which I sustain myself. Outside of that, it can only affect me as much as I allow it to.

This morning, the universe decided to send me a little help. A little offering of practical advice via a newsletter I’m subscribed to: What To Do When You Don’t Know What To Do.

Instead of worrying, over thinking, over analyzing, contemplating worst case scenarios, it offered me 3 steps to follow instead:

  1. Forget about the ultimate outcome.
    • We don’t have much control over it anyway, and most likely many things will continue to shift and change.
  2. Focus on the next right action.
    • What can I do to that will move whatever issue it is I’m having along in the right direction? One step at a time. Baby steps.
  3. Do something now.
    • Do that thing. Do something. But don’t spend time trying to gain clarity over the whole matter, analyzing and overanalyzing what went wrong because the answer is unlikely to come and unlikely to even be helpful.

Dead Battery

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I’m driving up to Big Sur this weekend to visit my friend at Esalen. In preparation, I went to get my car checked yesterday to make sure everything was in good condition. Last night when I got home, I went through the glove compartment to make sure my registration and insurance was in there. I turned on the little light in the middle and reminded myself, “You better fuckin’ remember to turn this thing off.” I have a tendency to forget to do that. Also, last week, I left my lights on while at a Dodgers game, and when I tried to start the car to leave, my battery was dead. So in light of this recent occurrence, it was especially important that I not forgot. Also, since the distress from that experience is still pretty fresh, I figured there’s no way I would forgot.

Skip to this morning. We have a one car garage and P’s car was blocking mine, so I moved it out of the way and got into my car. Click, click, click, click, click. What the?! Yes, you guessed it. Immediately:

Oh…my…god…
You forgot to turn off the fuckin’ light!
You’re such a fuckin’ idiot.
What the hell is wrong with you?!
Is this battery done now? I’m going to have to buy a new fuckin’ battery. There goes another couple hundred down the drain.

I want to cry. I cried. I hate myself. I hate my life. I’m supposed to be at my parent’s house right now to take care of my Dad while my mom takes care of an errand. I feel like this is a sick joke. One fucked up situation stacked on top of another, and it won’t stop. A Jenga master has control of my life and they’re just racking it up.

A shit ton of mindful breaths and a call to AAA later…I’m here. It’s okay. It happened. I’m not an idiot. Yes, I did a very stupid, careless thing, but that does not in and of itself make me some incompetent worthless creature. AAA is coming. Shit happens, but that does not mean that I am shit. I’m not shit. I’m human. I still want to cry and I probably will, but there is a tiny part of me inside that knows it’s okay. I need to be open to that part and let it do its thing instead of drowning it out with all the pernicious, negative thoughts that want to rule this world inside of my head.

May I be at ease.
May I know that I am worthy.
May I feel that I am good enough.

Stop Fighting So Hard

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Maybe my problem is always trying to figure things out. I remember I had a hell of a time with math once I got to Calculus. I couldn’t just follow the rules, I needed to know why. Why? Why? Why?

Maybe that’s what I need to do with life. Just follow the rules, stop trying to figure everything out.

Rule #1: Life isn’t based on any system of fairness. Deal with it.

Rule #2: Life is fuckin’ random. Stop fighting so hard and just roll with it.

Rule #3: A lot of shitty people somehow end up in positions of power…specifically over you. Refer to Rules 1 and 2. Just let it be. The universe has a way of working things out. Be patient.

Why Not?

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I am going to be happy today because…well, why not?! I’ve been in the shittiest of moods because my back has been out for the past week. I’m still pretty stiff and thoughts of work are still irritating the shit out of me, but this is my life…my day…and I get to choose. So, I am going to choose to be happy.

The things that are bothering me revolve around power, success, money. The attachments I’ve grown to these things basically rule my life, my thoughts, my dreams. But, I don’t need these things to be happy…and attachment is actually the source of all suffering, right? So, today, I’m going to let it go (or at least start my day trying). I’m going to observe closely as the day unravels and try to be mindful in every moment – cultivating a willingness to just be with what is. I’m sure I’ll forget as soon as I get in the car or start having my first human interaction of the day, but hopefully at some point, I’ll remember again. And then I’ll take a deep breathe…and another one. I’ll keep breathing in and out, slowly…until the bad is out and the good is restored.

Everything Is As It Should Be

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Today is a momentous day as I have finally, finally taken the steps to create this blog that I have been thinking about for the past 3-4 years. Being the neurotic creature that I am, I thought about it, thought about doing it, and then thought about it some more. Yet, I never did it. The funny thing is I didn’t even think about doing it today…it just somehow happened. I got out of bed to take some notes on a video I had just watched on the difference between empathy and sympathy, (http://www.brainpickings.org/2013/12/11/brene-brown-rsa-animated/) and before I knew it I was on WordPress agonizing over clicking the “Create Blog” button.

As a product of our scarcity culture, I am always struggling with the issue of “not _______ enough.” The biggest _______ being that I am never good enough and what that equates to is that I am not extraordinary enough because good is no longer good unless it is extraordinary. An ordinary life is a meaningless life. I struggle with this fallacy on a daily basis, from my career to my relationships to my ability (or lack thereof) to crack an egg with finesse. This is why I won’t start things that I really want to do. I am afraid that what I will produce will be ordinary…average…above average at best. And above average is still NOT good enough.

I clearly have unrealistic expectations. The other day, I got a letter in the mail from my 8 year old niece. Her mother had asked for my address the other day so I was very excited to see what it was – we (my niece and I) had talked about writing letters to each other via snail mail awhile ago. I eagerly opened the envelope to see an elaborately decorated, handmade postcard that said “thanks.” I turned the card over to see a thank you note, in her handwriting, for her birthday present. I was immediately disappointed because I knew she had sent this to everyone else that had given her a birthday present. I was no longer special, and this somehow diminished the value of the beautifully handcrafted note from my precious 8 year old niece.

I’m an asshole. No, I had an asshole moment due to my warped expectations. I am a good person. I am good enough and I am just the way that I should be at this point in time. Everything is okay just the way it is. Even the fact that it took me years to start this blog. It wasn’t time then. It is now. Everything is as it should be.