struggle

Unending Storm

~ crazybuddhaful ~ 1 Comment

It seems the storm just continues to grow and get worse. I really thought that I was at that point where, you know, “Well, it can’t get any worse. It has to get better from here.” Turns out, things can always get worse.

Last night, I spiraled, broke down and just wept. Why does the universe insist on piling it on? When can I catch a break? And of course, I spent quite a bit of time attaching stories of self blame to the latest event (one of my employees is leaving because she got a job that could offer her more money). Then, just before I went to bed, I decided to stop.

I don’t have to attach all this unnecessary, and in all likelihood untrue, meaning to what happened. What does this really mean? Someone quit. As a manager, this is an inconvenience. I’m going to have to find someone new and train them. Is my life really that bad?

I have an incredible father – yes he’s sick, but he’s still fuckin alive and I had the privilege of having him as my dad, uninterrupted until now…and still going, by the way.

I have an amazing partner that is showing up in all the ways I’ve ever wanted. How many people dream and yearn for this. I have it.

I have a great job that offers me exactly what I need right now. Yes, it’s difficult as fuck right now, soon to get even more challenging, but it’s just work. It is the means by which I sustain myself. Outside of that, it can only affect me as much as I allow it to.

This morning, the universe decided to send me a little help. A little offering of practical advice via a newsletter I’m subscribed to: What To Do When You Don’t Know What To Do.

Instead of worrying, over thinking, over analyzing, contemplating worst case scenarios, it offered me 3 steps to follow instead:

  1. Forget about the ultimate outcome.
    • We don’t have much control over it anyway, and most likely many things will continue to shift and change.
  2. Focus on the next right action.
    • What can I do to that will move whatever issue it is I’m having along in the right direction? One step at a time. Baby steps.
  3. Do something now.
    • Do that thing. Do something. But don’t spend time trying to gain clarity over the whole matter, analyzing and overanalyzing what went wrong because the answer is unlikely to come and unlikely to even be helpful.

An Abundant Mindset

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I stumbled upon Michael Hyatt through another writer/blogger I sometimes follow Jeff Goins (author of a great book, The Art of Work). I’d never heard of him, but according to Wikipedia, he is an author, blogger, speaker and former Chairman and CEO of Thomas Nelson Publishers. I recently listened to a podcast of his about Abundance and Scarcity thinking.

There were so many things that resonated with me. My default mode of thinking is definitely one of scarcity and not abundance. When I think about something I want to do, my go to mental reactions are:
“So many people have already done that.”
“Why would you think that you would be able to do that?”
And I definitely get tense and guarded when I feel competition. But, I’ve definitely been moving towards these other ways of thinking, and I think with a lot of practice and awareness, I will get there.

Here are the Eight Characteristics of people who have an Abundant mindset:

  1. They believe there’s always more where that came from.
  2. They are happy to share their knowledge, contacts, and compassion with others.
  3. They default to trust and build rapport easily.
  4. They welcome competition, as they believe it makes the pie bigger and them better.
  5. They ask themselves, “How can I give more than what is expected?”
  6. They are optimistic about the future, believing the best is yet to come.
  7. They think big and embrace risk.
  8. They are thankful and confident.

I really enjoyed it and recommend a listen: The Mindset That Will Limit Your Future. It not only unpacks and explains all of these ways of thinking, but also reveals how their counterparts can really hold us down and limit us from achieving our true goals in life.

Dead Battery

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I’m driving up to Big Sur this weekend to visit my friend at Esalen. In preparation, I went to get my car checked yesterday to make sure everything was in good condition. Last night when I got home, I went through the glove compartment to make sure my registration and insurance was in there. I turned on the little light in the middle and reminded myself, “You better fuckin’ remember to turn this thing off.” I have a tendency to forget to do that. Also, last week, I left my lights on while at a Dodgers game, and when I tried to start the car to leave, my battery was dead. So in light of this recent occurrence, it was especially important that I not forgot. Also, since the distress from that experience is still pretty fresh, I figured there’s no way I would forgot.

Skip to this morning. We have a one car garage and P’s car was blocking mine, so I moved it out of the way and got into my car. Click, click, click, click, click. What the?! Yes, you guessed it. Immediately:

Oh…my…god…
You forgot to turn off the fuckin’ light!
You’re such a fuckin’ idiot.
What the hell is wrong with you?!
Is this battery done now? I’m going to have to buy a new fuckin’ battery. There goes another couple hundred down the drain.

I want to cry. I cried. I hate myself. I hate my life. I’m supposed to be at my parent’s house right now to take care of my Dad while my mom takes care of an errand. I feel like this is a sick joke. One fucked up situation stacked on top of another, and it won’t stop. A Jenga master has control of my life and they’re just racking it up.

A shit ton of mindful breaths and a call to AAA later…I’m here. It’s okay. It happened. I’m not an idiot. Yes, I did a very stupid, careless thing, but that does not in and of itself make me some incompetent worthless creature. AAA is coming. Shit happens, but that does not mean that I am shit. I’m not shit. I’m human. I still want to cry and I probably will, but there is a tiny part of me inside that knows it’s okay. I need to be open to that part and let it do its thing instead of drowning it out with all the pernicious, negative thoughts that want to rule this world inside of my head.

May I be at ease.
May I know that I am worthy.
May I feel that I am good enough.

Eat, Pray, Shut Up

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I’m currently reading Eat, Pray, Love. To be completely honest, I’m kind of embarrassed to be reading this book. I even made a book cover out of a market bag (high school styles) so I could read it in public and not feel judged. Here’s the thing – Elizabeth Gilbert started coming out on a lot of podcasts I listen to and from what I’ve heard, I really like her, and what she has to say really resonates with me. But I have this problem with things that gain a certain level of mass appeal and popularity. Basically, I think there must be something wrong with whatever the thing is if that much of the public can appreciate it…because I think the public is generally stupid. I mean let’s just take a look at the current presidential election. Actually, let’s not…when I think about what’s going on, it just melts my mind. And heart.

Back to Eat, Pray, Love. I believe my curiosity was piqued back when the book first gained momentum, but books that get on Oprah’s bookclub or become movies starring Julia Roberts just confirm my decision to stay away. Yes, I can be quite judgmental and haughty at times. But after I heard some interviews with her, I realized that perhaps I had misjudged the situation.  Although I was most interested in reading her latest book (Big Magic – Creative Living Beyond Fear), I happened upon a used copy of you know what at the library for $1. So I got it…and I love it (and admitting that still makes me cringe a little…I guess I still have a lot of that judgmental me I need to purge).

I just read this part where she commits to talking less: “No more scurrying, gossiping, joking. No more spotlight-hogging or conversation-dominating. No more verbal tap-dancing for pennies of affirmation. It’s time to change.” She then promptly and ironically gets her work detail changed (this is the part where she’s staying at an Ashram in India) to “Key Hostess.” This prompts her to realize that “if God wanted me to be a shy girl with thick, dark hair, He would have made me that way, but He didn’t. Useful, then, might be to accept how I was made and embody myself fully therein.”

I, too, suffer from verbal promiscuity. I talk too much and I say more than I know I should, mostly because I think it will get someone to like me a little bit more. I attempt to barter my words for incremental, and rarely ever expressed, increases in affection. I guess deep down inside, or maybe not even that deep, I just want people to like me and I think that if I say something funny or interesting, it’ll win their affection. Sometimes I’ll repeat petty gossip, but other times, against my better judgment, I’ll disclose more substantive material told to me in confidence because I think it’ll show the listener that I think they’re important enough for me to break my pledge of confidence. This in turn will, you guessed it, get them to like me more…but in reality, all it probably does is just show them that I can’t be trusted with a secret.

I’ve often fantasized about being the kind of person that is quiet, yet possesses an undeniable presence. The strong, quiet type who isn’t concerned about what others think of him or her. The first part will most likely never be me. I’m loud and can be opinionated to the brink of obnoxiousness. But I do think it’s possible for me to get to a place where I’m not so concerned about how others perceive me. Basically, I need to accept how I was made and feel secure enough to embody myself fully therein. I don’t need to say that offensive joke to capture the room’s attention. I don’t need to make that nasty remark about someone I know you don’t like to try to build a bond between us. I don’t need to keep spewing words that aren’t even really in line with how I truly feel inside to stand out, to get attention, to get people to like me.

I am good. I am fine. I am perfect(ly imperfect).

From the Archive: House of Cards (2006)

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It was as if he picked up her house and shook it furiously, uprooting everything from its place. She had never seen so much crap–and she had never seen so clearly. She knew that things could never be put back the way they were.
What do you do when someone comes in and makes a list of your flaws, a list so long it extends further than the length of your being? Just places it apathetically in front of you, in black and white. You slowly go down the list and feel the sharp sting of truth in every item just staring boldly back at you. Things you had carefully hidden. Things you’d gone to such care to hide, even from, or especially from, yourself, so that you were convinced they no longer existed.

How did he find that? I locked it away so deeply I couldn’t even see it anymore.

But he had found it. He found everything. Knew everything, remembered everything. She hated that the most. Sometimes, she couldn’t even remember her last sentences. Sentences that made him so angry but she couldn’t understand why, for she had already forgotten what was said. Therein lied the problem. He remembered everything while she remembered nothing. They were from different worlds really, but they were made of the same soul.

Wrong Impressions

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It upsets me the most when people I particularly dislike and have no respect for think of me the wrong way (in most cases, these are people I work for…I’m pretty good about not surrounding myself with people I don’t like or respect). Their misperception of me drives me crazy to no end. I churn their words in my head over and over again, triggering each time a set of negative emotions as well as uncomfortable physical responses. The thought creeps up and my lips immediately twist into a frown and my eyes roll back with a sharp twinge of disdain. I’ll soon catch myself and tell myself the usual platitudes:
“It’s okay, who cares. They’re fuckin idiots, what does it matter.”

When I’m a little more aware than usual, I’ll just start observing myself and my thoughts. I think perhaps what I need to do, or more specifically remember, is the illogic behind being so upset:
These are people I do not respect. I do not think they are very smart or aware of reality and therefore do not really value their opinions. Then why am I getting so upset about what they think about me? These are people with no real grasp on what is actually happening in the real world. That’s one way to go.

Or maybe they’re not such dipshits. Who can say that their impression is wrong? There are truths to some parts of what they say…or in the case of inaccurate interpretations, I can see why they would think that upon analysis of my own actions. So basically, there are two options and they both work to my benefit – not just in “winning” or “being right,” but for my actual self-improvement:

  1. It’s silly to get upset over the opinions of people you do not respect. Don’t pay heed to their criticisms because it is based on a narrow screen that only sees a slither of what is really going on.
  2. Pick out the points that are true and accept that your actions (note the use of “your actions” as opposed to “you” – these actions may not be reflective of who you truly are) are giving off these impressions. Stand by the parts you believe in and take action to properly adjust the parts that can cause incorrect interpretations.

Remember, that when dealing with bosses there are certain politics of power involved that cannot be avoided. If your boss is indeed an idiot, or an egomaniac, then why would you expect him/her to ever understand anything you have to say? He’s never going to really hear anything you have to say as long as it doesn’t align with his ingenious conclusions.

Loving Kindness

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Those words are still bothering me. I guess I’m still in the field. New plan of attack, or action, rather…I realized yesterday that my MO is to attack. I attack people’s shortcomings so as to feel better about my own. I’m also apparently, a mean person (or at least can be perceived as such). I suppose this is somewhat ironic, given that I am obsessing over a few words that I felt were pretty much just outright fuckin’ mean.

New plan of action: instead of identifying and attacking people’s shortcomings, have some compassion. For she is probably just as insecure as I am. Those words were most likely not loaded with ill intent and a desire to make me feel like shit. It was likely just a misguided attempt to say what she thought was appropriate in that situation. Heck, she probably thought it was the right thing to say…to motivate…to gain respect…to survive. We’re all just doing the best we can. We’re all just trying to survive.

May you be healthy and strong.
May you be at ease.
May you feel safe and protected.
May you be happy and at peace.

As I try to wish these things upon the person who spoke those words to me, I can’t help but think she would scoff at my attempt to show her loving kindness. How ridiculous she would think I am to think she needs something so trite as love or kindness. I recognize that this is probably my ego trying to talk me out of feeling compassion for the person who put me into a spiral. Down, ego. Down!

Today, I will have compassion instead of being so quick to judge in order to protect myself. Instead of focusing on the shortcomings of others, I will try to have compassion.