self improvement

Why Suffering is a Good Thing

~ crazybuddhaful ~ Leave a comment

afterlight

Life is suffering. It’s the first of Buddha’s four Noble Truths. Suffering is the inevitable accompaniment of physical life.

I used to tear myself up about this. My internal conflict. My tortured soul. When I was younger, I drank myself silly over it. I couldn’t understand why/how other people were not as affected as me. How they could just go about their very similarly situated lives dealing with it so much better than I could. My rationalization was that they just didn’t think about things as deeply as I did. But, I couldn’t decide whether that was better or worse. They say ignorance is bliss and those of us who think and feel ourselves crazy, know that if not for all these thoughts in our heads, we could be pretty happy. But, what kind of happiness would it be? Would it be as fulfilling? It could very well be, given that you’d be ignorant of any other kinds. Ultimately, I suppose it’s all relative and I think it’s safe to say, comparison doesn’t ever really lead to feeling better…at least not when it comes to the nuances of the human condition.

So, this is something I’ve been struggling with for a long time…as long as I can remember discerningly thinking about the world and our place in it. Suffering. Misery. Pain. I feel these things acutely. So acutely, and very often for no explicable reason. I get over emotional and (unadmittedly) over dramatic. Words in a book can jump off the page, shake up my heart and incite tears to stream down my face. Watching the lives, real or imagined (like the specials on Pacquiao or Mayweather before their big fight, or episodes of Empire) of people develop and unravel can also rattle me to my core. I feel their pain (even when it’s fiction!) as my pain. I used to think there was something wrong with me…that I was just crazy. And I really resented my emotions. I saw them as a flaw, a kink in my personality that I needed to fix…or rather drown with alcohol…which ironically, just made me even more emotional the next few days as the chemicals in my brain would readjust to the reality of being sober.

Then a friend said something to me that started to shift the way I viewed my emotions and suffering. I was going through one of my usual conniptions, reeling and wondering what the fuck was wrong with me. I had a pretty glorious childhood: no traumatic incidents, I was sufficiently provided for and there was no deficit of love or support. If anything, they overpraised me (which can cause it’s own slew of problems, I know…sometimes, it can even be worse, but that’s a whole other topic). So, I couldn’t understand why the fuck I felt so tortured all the time. And she said to me, something along the lines of: Maybe your emotions and the way you feel is a gift that allows you to empathize with things even though you haven’t been through it yourself. She probably doesn’t know it, (though I’ve told her, she probably doesn’t realize the impact that simple statement had on me) but she really opened up a new paradigm for me.

Pain…suffering…misery…I don’t have to look at these things as simply negative experiences meant to be avoided at all costs anymore. Not only did I realize that these feelings come with the capacity to empathize and hold compassion for others, but it also opened me up to other ways of thinking about it as well. I’ve started to view my suffering and excessive emotions as signs pointing me towards things that are really important to me. I think in the same way that physical pain lets us know that something in our body is malfunctioning, emotional pain is trying to bring our attention to things we need to work on and heal in our lives. That something is bubbling under the surface and needs to get out…and the more magnified that pain is, the more likely we are to do something about it. Because that’s kind of how we’re built as humans, right? None of us are going to run to the dentist when our tooth just hurts a little bit.

JUST PICK ONE

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I don’t like choosing. I know the freedom to choose is one of the greatest liberties we enjoy, but for me it’s too much pressure. What if I pick the wrong one? I’ll spend over twenty minutes just scrolling through Netflix unable to decide what I should watch. And ordering food? Well, in the comfort of my home, without a waiter putting any pressure on me, I’ll look through the menu reading all the descriptions…of course this is after the thirty to forty minutes it took me to decide the restaurant. Then I’ll go on Yelp to see if there are any pictures I can inspect. Then back to the menu and so forth and so on. Sometimes, I even struggle with which color straw to use from my assorted pack of straws. FOMO. It’s a real thing.

My issues with indecisiveness are not clinical; it’s more like a little bug bite that only flares up when you start scratching it. But it can definitely get in the way of me doing things. I’m really trying to figure out what I’m meant to do with my life, to discover my dharma or calling. There are a lot of things that I deeply care about and really get me excited. Reading and writing is definitely at the top of my list, but I also really love art. Psychology has always fascinated me and the thought of helping people feels really fulfilling. A few weeks ago I discovered hand lettering and then there’s business. Although I hate the idea of profit being the bottom line, I’ve always felt an entrepreneurial spirit inside of me. And I know that not all businesses have to be completely centered on making money. So what do I do? What do I pursue? What if I pick the wrong one and spend X amount of years chasing the wrong thing?

I was listening to an episode of The Good Life Project the other day (one of my favorite podcasts). It was an interview with the hand-lettering artist Sean McCabe and they touched upon this very matter. He basically said just pick one. You can always course correct later, but you can’t steer a parked car. (http://www.goodlifeproject.com/sean-mccabe/?t=radio) This really hit home for me. For years now, I’ve just been sitting in a parked car googling different places I could potentially go…pulling up the map and looking at all the different routes I could take to get to these places. What if I get lost? What if I drive all the way to Place A and it’s total shit? Well, then, I can go to Place K or W or S. Everything doesn’t need to be perfect (another huge issue I have). You can always change your mind later. Guess I don’t have any more excuses to fall back on. Time to turn on the engine and put the car into drive. I’m going left.

Wrong Impressions

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It upsets me the most when people I particularly dislike and have no respect for think of me the wrong way (in most cases, these are people I work for…I’m pretty good about not surrounding myself with people I don’t like or respect). Their misperception of me drives me crazy to no end. I churn their words in my head over and over again, triggering each time a set of negative emotions as well as uncomfortable physical responses. The thought creeps up and my lips immediately twist into a frown and my eyes roll back with a sharp twinge of disdain. I’ll soon catch myself and tell myself the usual platitudes:
“It’s okay, who cares. They’re fuckin idiots, what does it matter.”

When I’m a little more aware than usual, I’ll just start observing myself and my thoughts. I think perhaps what I need to do, or more specifically remember, is the illogic behind being so upset:
These are people I do not respect. I do not think they are very smart or aware of reality and therefore do not really value their opinions. Then why am I getting so upset about what they think about me? These are people with no real grasp on what is actually happening in the real world. That’s one way to go.

Or maybe they’re not such dipshits. Who can say that their impression is wrong? There are truths to some parts of what they say…or in the case of inaccurate interpretations, I can see why they would think that upon analysis of my own actions. So basically, there are two options and they both work to my benefit – not just in “winning” or “being right,” but for my actual self-improvement:

  1. It’s silly to get upset over the opinions of people you do not respect. Don’t pay heed to their criticisms because it is based on a narrow screen that only sees a slither of what is really going on.
  2. Pick out the points that are true and accept that your actions (note the use of “your actions” as opposed to “you” – these actions may not be reflective of who you truly are) are giving off these impressions. Stand by the parts you believe in and take action to properly adjust the parts that can cause incorrect interpretations.

Remember, that when dealing with bosses there are certain politics of power involved that cannot be avoided. If your boss is indeed an idiot, or an egomaniac, then why would you expect him/her to ever understand anything you have to say? He’s never going to really hear anything you have to say as long as it doesn’t align with his ingenious conclusions.

Loving Kindness

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Those words are still bothering me. I guess I’m still in the field. New plan of attack, or action, rather…I realized yesterday that my MO is to attack. I attack people’s shortcomings so as to feel better about my own. I’m also apparently, a mean person (or at least can be perceived as such). I suppose this is somewhat ironic, given that I am obsessing over a few words that I felt were pretty much just outright fuckin’ mean.

New plan of action: instead of identifying and attacking people’s shortcomings, have some compassion. For she is probably just as insecure as I am. Those words were most likely not loaded with ill intent and a desire to make me feel like shit. It was likely just a misguided attempt to say what she thought was appropriate in that situation. Heck, she probably thought it was the right thing to say…to motivate…to gain respect…to survive. We’re all just doing the best we can. We’re all just trying to survive.

May you be healthy and strong.
May you be at ease.
May you feel safe and protected.
May you be happy and at peace.

As I try to wish these things upon the person who spoke those words to me, I can’t help but think she would scoff at my attempt to show her loving kindness. How ridiculous she would think I am to think she needs something so trite as love or kindness. I recognize that this is probably my ego trying to talk me out of feeling compassion for the person who put me into a spiral. Down, ego. Down!

Today, I will have compassion instead of being so quick to judge in order to protect myself. Instead of focusing on the shortcomings of others, I will try to have compassion.