Old Notes

I found these old notes/ramblings from 2012 on my phone…I had a lot more angst back then.

April 23, 2012
I just can’t help feeling sad about where this society is going. Maybe that’s why I feel so lost about what I want to do. Maybe I just don’t want to be a part of it. Or maybe deep down inside I really do.
Looking at these fashion blogs, I just can’t believe how people spend their days. I’m imagining this girl getting up every morning to pick an outfit, put makeup on and find some photo worthy location to take pictures of herself. And then hundreds of thousands of us watch and want to do it too.

May 15, 2012
He will never get me. Perhaps no one ever will. Life for me is just a series of tiring events. I’m not even 30 and I already exhausted with life. I’m beginning to feel numb to pleasure. Facebook, Instagram, Dancing with the Stars…is this what our world has become?
There are corners of the world that aren’t focused on such things, but thats where you would be – in a little corner. Everybody wants to be seen but nobody wants to actually know anything. This makes me sad. And tired.

May 24, 2012
As I sit here reading John Locke’s introduction, I can’t help smiling. I just love this shit. Words. Is that weird? I feel like people would read this and think what kind of nonsense is this? What the fuck does this mean? But I ate up every word and thought each one was brilliantly selected. I felt that feeling I sometimes get…that burning desire I have to write that I just keep contained inside. I refuse to give it the air it needs to grow. But maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe I’m saving the world from volumes of dribble.
I don’t know why but thoughts put into words just gives me the greatest pleasure. Maybe it comes with the territory of being a voracious thinker. When your whole world is thoughts and most of them are kept captive inside of you, it drives you mad. Maybe that’s why so many writers are so tortured. They’re just in their minds too much…there’s just too much noise and not enough paper.

JUST PICK ONE

I don’t like choosing. I know the freedom to choose is one of the greatest liberties we enjoy, but for me it’s too much pressure. What if I pick the wrong one? I’ll spend over twenty minutes just scrolling through Netflix unable to decide what I should watch. And ordering food? Well, in the comfort of my home, without a waiter putting any pressure on me, I’ll look through the menu reading all the descriptions…of course this is after the thirty to forty minutes it took me to decide the restaurant. Then I’ll go on Yelp to see if there are any pictures I can inspect. Then back to the menu and so forth and so on. Sometimes, I even struggle with which color straw to use from my assorted pack of straws. FOMO. It’s a real thing.

My issues with indecisiveness are not clinical; it’s more like a little bug bite that only flares up when you start scratching it. But it can definitely get in the way of me doing things. I’m really trying to figure out what I’m meant to do with my life, to discover my dharma or calling. There are a lot of things that I deeply care about and really get me excited. Reading and writing is definitely at the top of my list, but I also really love art. Psychology has always fascinated me and the thought of helping people feels really fulfilling. A few weeks ago I discovered hand lettering and then there’s business. Although I hate the idea of profit being the bottom line, I’ve always felt an entrepreneurial spirit inside of me. And I know that not all businesses have to be completely centered on making money. So what do I do? What do I pursue? What if I pick the wrong one and spend X amount of years chasing the wrong thing?

I was listening to an episode of The Good Life Project the other day (one of my favorite podcasts). It was an interview with the hand-lettering artist Sean McCabe and they touched upon this very matter. He basically said just pick one. You can always course correct later, but you can’t steer a parked car. (http://www.goodlifeproject.com/sean-mccabe/?t=radio) This really hit home for me. For years now, I’ve just been sitting in a parked car googling different places I could potentially go…pulling up the map and looking at all the different routes I could take to get to these places. What if I get lost? What if I drive all the way to Place A and it’s total shit? Well, then, I can go to Place K or W or S. Everything doesn’t need to be perfect (another huge issue I have). You can always change your mind later. Guess I don’t have any more excuses to fall back on. Time to turn on the engine and put the car into drive. I’m going left.

OK, Here Goes

For about 10 years now, I have been saying that my dream is to be a writer. However, in all those years I have not done anything to pursue this dream. Instead, I became a lawyer. When I realized I didn’t want to wake up 10-20 years later and hate my life, I decided to make a career change…into fashion. In all honesty, I enjoy what I do – it’s a hell of a lot more fun than law. But, deep down, I know that it’s not my passion. So why don’t I go after the thing I want most in life? Well, you know…it’s complicated.

Okay, that’s a lie. It’s actually quite simple. I can sum it up in one word: FEAR. Fear of not being good enough, fear of being judged, fear of uncertainty, and of course, that all crippling fear – fear of failure. I know I don’t have to have such a paralyzing fear of failure. I know that failure actually leads to success by eliminating things that don’t work. But, I also know how shitty failure feels and my desire to avoid that shitty feeling trumps my desire to reap the benefits of all the potentially beautiful things that can arise from failure.

Here’s the other thing: right now, my dream is just that – a dream. Untouched, it can remain a fantasy of my idealistic life. Once I try to make it a reality, it’ll become just that – a reality. And we all know how ugly and brutal reality can be. Also, I’m fully aware that once I really try my hand at writing, I may not even like it. What, then? I don’t have a backup dream! So instead of trying and possibly tarnishing this beautiful dream of mine, I prefer to keep it at arm’s length, preserved in its pristine condition…

…until now. I’m sick of living a lesser version of what my life could be. And I’m tired of letting fear control me. Now, I know that fear is not overcome in a day, a month, or even a year. This is a battle I will most likely be fighting for the rest of my life, but it’s okay. I will win some (like finally gathering up the courage to start this blog) and lose some (like constantly making excuses not to post), but more importantly, I know I will learn many invaluable lessons along the way (like whether I actually want to be a writer). Starting now, I am committing myself to doing something everyday, whether it be big or small, to see what this dream actually looks like.

Disclosure: I know that last part sounds all self-assured and ready to take on anything, but truth be told I am having a very negatively visceral reaction to putting this out there. Granted, there are probably all of three people who might read this, but the fact that I am simply declaring this to the universe makes me feel really vulnerable. I guess that’s that fear trying to take over again. Well, it’s all out there now. No turning back.

Let’s Connect

We’re all fools for attention. Just a smile of acknowledgement from a stranger can make us act foolish. We just want to connect…to know that someone else is looking at the same thing and gets it. A small piece of evidence that we’re on the same wavelength for even a split second.
Is this proof of how disconnected and separate we feel from each other?

Wrong Impressions

It upsets me the most when people I particularly dislike and have no respect for think of me the wrong way (in most cases, these are people I work for…I’m pretty good about not surrounding myself with people I don’t like or respect). Their misperception of me drives me crazy to no end. I churn their words in my head over and over again, triggering each time a set of negative emotions as well as uncomfortable physical responses. The thought creeps up and my lips immediately twist into a frown and my eyes roll back with a sharp twinge of disdain. I’ll soon catch myself and tell myself the usual platitudes:
“It’s okay, who cares. They’re fuckin idiots, what does it matter.”

When I’m a little more aware than usual, I’ll just start observing myself and my thoughts. I think perhaps what I need to do, or more specifically remember, is the illogic behind being so upset:
These are people I do not respect. I do not think they are very smart or aware of reality and therefore do not really value their opinions. Then why am I getting so upset about what they think about me? These are people with no real grasp on what is actually happening in the real world. That’s one way to go.

Or maybe they’re not such dipshits. Who can say that their impression is wrong? There are truths to some parts of what they say…or in the case of inaccurate interpretations, I can see why they would think that upon analysis of my own actions. So basically, there are two options and they both work to my benefit – not just in “winning” or “being right,” but for my actual self-improvement:

  1. It’s silly to get upset over the opinions of people you do not respect. Don’t pay heed to their criticisms because it is based on a narrow screen that only sees a slither of what is really going on.
  2. Pick out the points that are true and accept that your actions (note the use of “your actions” as opposed to “you” – these actions may not be reflective of who you truly are) are giving off these impressions. Stand by the parts you believe in and take action to properly adjust the parts that can cause incorrect interpretations.

Remember, that when dealing with bosses there are certain politics of power involved that cannot be avoided. If your boss is indeed an idiot, or an egomaniac, then why would you expect him/her to ever understand anything you have to say? He’s never going to really hear anything you have to say as long as it doesn’t align with his ingenious conclusions.

Loving Kindness

Those words are still bothering me. I guess I’m still in the field. New plan of attack, or action, rather…I realized yesterday that my MO is to attack. I attack people’s shortcomings so as to feel better about my own. I’m also apparently, a mean person (or at least can be perceived as such). I suppose this is somewhat ironic, given that I am obsessing over a few words that I felt were pretty much just outright fuckin’ mean.

New plan of action: instead of identifying and attacking people’s shortcomings, have some compassion. For she is probably just as insecure as I am. Those words were most likely not loaded with ill intent and a desire to make me feel like shit. It was likely just a misguided attempt to say what she thought was appropriate in that situation. Heck, she probably thought it was the right thing to say…to motivate…to gain respect…to survive. We’re all just doing the best we can. We’re all just trying to survive.

May you be healthy and strong.
May you be at ease.
May you feel safe and protected.
May you be happy and at peace.

As I try to wish these things upon the person who spoke those words to me, I can’t help but think she would scoff at my attempt to show her loving kindness. How ridiculous she would think I am to think she needs something so trite as love or kindness. I recognize that this is probably my ego trying to talk me out of feeling compassion for the person who put me into a spiral. Down, ego. Down!

Today, I will have compassion instead of being so quick to judge in order to protect myself. Instead of focusing on the shortcomings of others, I will try to have compassion.

The Field of My Woes

Too often, I let myself get carried away into a field of negativity and unhappiness. When I finally look back to see what the hell pushed me there, I realize that more often than not, it was simply words someone spoke to me. This someone is usually my boss or significant other…basically, someone who has some kind of control over a part of my life. In the case of my boss – my livelihood. In the case of my significant other – my heart. After a few days of spewing negativity and just overall malcontent, my eyes, or heart, starts to open and I see that what I am truly battling with is my ego. Constantly repeating some negative phrase or rebuttal in my head, dissecting it to bits until there’s nothing left to analyze, my ego strives to keep me in my place by making me feel like there may be some truth in what was said, because then it can rise to defend me. Only when I feel wounded does my ego have a purpose, a call to fight. If I were to simply accept that what was said was simply a misguided attempt to protect that person’s own sense of self importance, then what on earth would my ego occupy itself with? Well, sorry Ego, but today, I am putting down my arms and walking out of this field. See you next time.

Don’t Want No Mediocre

The One You Feed.tjpg

A friend and I were talking the other day, catching up and somehow I got on the topic of productivity. I was explaining to her that sometimes I feel guilty about reading…because I love to read novels and they don’t seem to offer much productive value in the practical application of life. I know this isn’t true and I strongly believe in the enormous value of literature, but sometimes when I read my beloved stories, I feel guilty because I think I should be spending my time doing more “traditionally” productive things. Like things for work – things that will advance my career as opposed to just enrich my mind for the sake of enrichment.

She told me about a podcast she’d been listening to and recommended a specific episode about being productive rather than stagnant. Processing the information we absorb as opposed to just taking it in and letting it eventually slip away. This is my processing of the episode – what I learned from it and how it applies to my life (these are just my notes and in no way an authoritative summary of the episode). Listen to the actual episode here: http://www.oneyoufeed.net/?s=todd+henry

The One You Feed: Todd Henry (Die Empty: Unleash Your Best Work Everday)

Each episode is an interview and starts off with this parable about the bad and good wolf and what it means to the interviewee.

The parable: An old grandfather told his grandson: “My son, there is a battle between two wolves inside us all. One is evil. It is anger, jealousy, greed, and resentment. The other is good. It is joy, love, hope, humility, kindness, empathy, and bravery.”

The boy thought about it, and asked, “Grandfather, which wolf wins?”

The old man quietly replied, “The one you feed.”

His interpretation:
Desire (to create value) v. Comfort
Are you going to live a life of creating value or an easy life that stays stagnant?
Are you going to live a life by design or by default?

Oh, how I struggle with this everyday. The desire to create something valuable versus the desire to just lay down, turn on the TV and be mindlessly entertained. The daily commitments I make to myself that go unfulfilled because I’m lazy or really just too scared to try…because what happens if I try and fail? No, no, it’s much easier to just put it off and keep it as a possibility for tomorrow than to actually try and discover that what I have to offer really isn’t that valuable.

Mediocrity
The roots of the word mediocre come from the Latin medial, “middle,” and ocris, “mountain.” The middle of the mountain is just that – the middle, halfway up from the highest point of excellence. Or you can also think of it as stopping halfway up the mountain.

7 Deadly Sins of Mediocrity:
Aimlessness
Boredom
Comfort
Delusion
Ego
Fear
Guardedness

Being mediocre is something that repulses me, yet I find myself climbing only halfway up most mountains. I am a competitive, overambitious perfectionist so the thought of being mediocre, or even considered mediocre by others, just doesn’t sit well with me. But, regardless of how much I dislike mediocrity, I cannot stand failure and my fear of failure keeps me from getting to the top of the mountain. This is something I struggle with a lot. It is most likely the biggest obstacle in my life and the desire to overcome it is the driving force behind every action I take towards self-improvement. Mindfulness, therapy, self-help books and lectures, spirituality…all of it is in the pursuit of shedding my fears and becoming my true self – someone who is fearless and free from the cage of my limited sense of self, or ego. I know that the best way to do this is by just doing, but most times I just avoid…and then feel really shitty about it.

Focus
Assets
Time               determines fate.
Energy

What is important is what you do TODAY…what you do in the everyday little increments of time.

Doing a LITTLE of something is better than thinking a lot about something GRAND.

So…this is what I do (or actually don’t do) all the time. Instead of just getting to it and doing just the tiniest of something, I’ll just sit around thinking. Thinking grand thoughts about my future. What I want it to look like and all the things I wish for. But, instead of taking the step to lay down that first building block, I’ll just sit there…watching TV, reading a book, scrolling endlessly through Instagram. It’s so much easier to think than do. Then, there’s also the trouble of what it is that I actually want to do. I guess it all boils down to his next point:

What do we want out of life?           V          What does life want out of us?

PASSION
The word passion comes from the latin root pati, “suffering” or “enduring.”

What work are you willing to suffer for?

Work is not just your job. Your body of work includes anything that you do that has value – your family, your free time, the way you treat people…

Differentiate between tasks and outcome. You don’t need to love all the tasks, but you need to love the outcome – be committed to an outcome that transcends the day to day tasks.

What is the outcome I am committed to?

I guess what I really want is to create something meaningful that people can get something from. Getting the feelings I have inside of me outside to the world. Although I’m not really sure how I want to do that or what the medium will be, I know I want to create something that people can connect with. For me, connection has always been strongest through words, which is why I love reading so much. When I read something that describes a thought, feeling, or sentiment I’ve had, I feel a connection that makes the world seem like a less lonely place. In that moment, I have proof that someone else has felt the same way as me, and in this life where we essentially exist alone when it comes to our thoughts, it feels wildly comforting to know that at some point, someone else occupied the same mental space as me.

There are three kinds of work we engage in and our ability to effectively engage in each of them can give rise to different “productivity profiles.” Clearer explanation here: http://www.toddhenry.com/creating/which-productivity-profile-are-you/

Buckets of Work

  1. Mapping
    -Planning, strategizing
  1. Making
    -Checking off tasks, actual doing
  1. Meshing
    -Thematic thread that ties the work together
    -Understanding the outcome – where is this taking me?
    -Developing relationships

Productivity Profiles

Driver (Mapping + Making – Meshing)
Keeps head down and does the tasks, but isn’t doing the little things that bring it all together

Dreamer (Mapping + Meshing – Making)
Makes big plans and is great at developing and understanding, but doesn’t get around to the doing

Drifter (Making + Meshing – Mapping)
Lacks conviction of strategic plans…often winds up in “Project Plateau” – always onto the next new project, leaving a bunch of half finished projects in the wake

Developer (Mapping + Making + Meshing)
Do all three effectively

I’m most often a Dreamer and sometimes a Drifter. Once in a blue moon, I can be a Developer, but that doing part really trips me up. I don’t know what it is about just getting down to it and doing the tasks, but it really turns me off sometimes. The tasks may not even be that bad, they might even be things I actually enjoy doing! But once it’s wrapped up in productivity and the possibility of failure is involved…I avoid, avoid, avoid. My rationale goes something like this: if you don’t put your all into something, then you can’t really fail because you never really tried.

Regular practice you can apply that will change your life:

Build time to stop, read, study AND process that information. We often consume information without ever really digesting it. Take time to process what you’ve taken in. If you read for half an hour, spend half an hour writing about what you’ve read and how you can apply it to your life.

Most Valuable Land in the World?
The graveyard because it’s filled with all the great works, novels, art, and business ideas that never came to fruition.

We have a responsibility to bring whatever is inside of us to the world so that others can share in that value.

Putting things off until tomorrow is akin to feeding the bad wolf. Stop pushing things into the future. Be purposeful TODAY.

I don’t want to die with all of my greatest ideas and possibilities trapped inside of me. And I definitely don’t want them to stay trapped inside of me because I was too scared to let them out for someone to see. I want to stop letting my fear of mediocrity keep me stuck living a mediocre life.

Stop Fighting So Hard

Maybe my problem is always trying to figure things out. I remember I had a hell of a time with math once I got to Calculus. I couldn’t just follow the rules, I needed to know why. Why? Why? Why?

Maybe that’s what I need to do with life. Just follow the rules, stop trying to figure everything out.

Rule #1: Life isn’t based on any system of fairness. Deal with it.

Rule #2: Life is fuckin’ random. Stop fighting so hard and just roll with it.

Rule #3: A lot of shitty people somehow end up in positions of power…specifically over you. Refer to Rules 1 and 2. Just let it be. The universe has a way of working things out. Be patient.

Crazy vs Mindfulness

The ego in me is so strong! My mind spends most of its day obsessing over things that really have nothing to do with the outcome of my life.

For example, a coworker of mine is quitting work. She put in her notice last week. She didn’t come in yesterday or the day before. She might go work for the person I was brought in to replace. For some reason, this upsets me. But, I have no personal issues with that person. We worked together for all of a month and I was kept pretty much removed from her so that our dealings were minimal. She seemed nice enough, but, somewhere along the way, mostly going off what I heard about her from others, I designated her an adversary, and so, decided to dislike her. Back to point – so what if my coworker goes to work for her and so what if she’s not coming in to work. She obviously just doesn’t give a fuck. Why should I?

Why do I? Apparently, because the world revolves around me and I have to somehow make EVERYTHING related to me on some level. Do most people do this? Or am I seriously that self involved that I have to make everyone else’s drama some kind of subplot in my life story? It’s come to the point where I’m taking her unreliability at a job that she has put in her notice with as a sign that I can’t depend on her in our friendship (she also hasn’t been responding to my texts, albeit I only sent two). I’m starting to say to myself, “Whatever, I’m over her,” basically because she’s not treating me as the center, or at least a more central, part of her universe.

This is how crazy I am. This is what my mindfulness and self-realization are up against. Granted that I’m not really obsessing over this all day. It doesn’t consume my every waking hour, but it’s still there…in the background of my thoughts…and it lightly pops up here and there. I never let it balloon out of control as I usually have enough sense to gently pop it back into its place. But, it’s there enough for me to feel that I need to acknowledge it and to take a step back and critically observe what is happening. What exactly am I, or is my ego, doing here? What kind of ploy is this to make myself some sort of victim – to give myself a reason to be upset, to suffer? Whatever it is, it simply just is…and I’m watching. Accepting. Disidentifying. I guess this one goes to mindfulness (ha crazy, you lose this time!) – at least for now.