I’m becoming more and more convinced that life is just a huge studio for yoga practice. Today is a new opportunity to practice all the things I’ve learned. I’ve had a great long weekend to myself, but, now I must go back into the world of stimuli…where people and situations exist like minefields for reactions. I will try to seize every opportunity to act on my new resolutions: dropping the old habits of automatic negative reactivity and replacing them with new habits of acceptance and compassion. Let’s see how this goes…
mindfulness
Fuck With Me, You Know I Got It
That’s the universe for you. It’s either fucking with me hard or opening up space for me to keep practicing who I want to be…the practice of Life Yoga. Two members of my team quit within two months without giving notice. The first one was really negative and hated the company since before I got there, but the other one…I have no idea. As their manager, I went straight to pointing the finger at myself. Am I that difficult to work with? Did I mistreat them? Did they just think I was a piece of shit?
I really don’t think I’m a delusional person and I know how sensitive and defensive people can be about work so I’m very mindful and intentional about everything I say and do in that space. I know I can come off rough at times (I have a very strong personality and am committed to telling the truth, sometimes overly so…like when it’ll hurt someone’s feelings – I know, I’m working on it), but I really don’t think I was unreasonable. Needless to say I got on the crazy train several times this past week and just went around and around the same loop. What did I do? Why did this happen? What’s wrong with me?
It was definitely a roller coaster, but I think I ultimately chose to be the victor instead of the victim. First off, I’m not hung over from getting blacked out drunk last night – huge win. I also didn’t instigate any gratuitous fights with my partner all week – another huge win. I know the battle’s not over yet, it’s only been a week and it ended with my boss saying some pretty baseless crap, but I’m pretty surprised (and proud!) at how well I’m dealing. Don’t get me wrong, I cried like six times today and am still very emotionally unstable…but, I’m okay with that. There is a lot of stuff going on up there in my head. Although, I do think a lot of the emotions may be coming from the confusion of my not giving in so easily to my natural tendency for negativity. If this were a year ago, I would be binge-watching Netflix, stuffing my face with pizza and chips.
Instead, I woke up this morning and went straight to feeding my good wolf. I remembered a podcast I listened to earlier this week on The Good Life Project with Gretchen Rubin and the power of habits (Gretchen Rubin: How to Build Habits That Change Lives). Some pretty nasty reviews on her first book, The Happiness Project led me to wondering what Maria Popova had to say about her (Better than Before: A Psychological Field Guide to Harnessing the Transformative Power of Habit) …which led me to some great material on William James and habits (William James on Habit). Later, curious about the difference between fear and anxiety, I stumbled unto Harriet Lerner and a book about dealing with fear (The Dance of Fear: Rising Above Anxiety, Fear, and Shame to Be Your Best and Bravest Self). All in all, the level of stress in my body feels pretty low and I feel really happy/proud that I spent the day trying to learn instead of wallowing. Now time for some pasta, wine and a few cigarettes… It’s all about balance, right?
Mental Ramblings: Checking Your Negativity
STOP. Whatever crazy shit is going on in your head, just stop RIGHT NOW. Take a step back. What are the FACTS that are bothering you. Not your interpretation of what happened, but the actual thing or things that took place. Not the reasons why you think it happened, or why you think it’s fucked up or unfair. JUST THE ACTUAL EVENTS THAT TOOK PLACE. The things that were actually said or done.
Okay, now here’s the reality: those things happened. They happened. You don’t know why. You don’t know what was going on in that person’s mind when he or she did it. You have some guesses…and you’re pretty sure they’re right. But, remember, however educated those guesses may be, they are in fact just your opinions. Theories, unproven hypotheses. Even in the case that the person was to tell you his or her reasons behind what they did, there is no way to tell if that person is actually telling the truth. Even if they think they are telling the truth, they themselves may not even be aware of the real reason behind what they did or said.
We are all complicated people. But, we are also very simple. This is the fundamental problem with us living as sentient beings here on earth: we live in a state of duality. We see ourselves and everything around us as separate from each other. Just the sound of the statement: you and this chair are one and the same sounds absolutely ridiculous and unfathomable. But that is a universal truth: we are all one. Not just “we all” as in all us humans. Every fuckin’ thing. However, given the way our minds, psychology, and consciousness exists today, could we ever comprehend and believe a statement like that? It’s unlikely. But, here’s something we can wrap our heads around: We’re all just doing the best we can. We are all just trying to survive. We all just want to be loved and feel significant in some way.
Now, the “best” of someone may seem really shitty to us, but to that person, they may just not know any other way. And not to absolve any of ourselves from the role we play in the people we become, but none of us get to choose the lives we are born into. Our parents, our upbringing, the values that were (or weren’t) ingrained in us from an early age…we don’t get to choose any of that…just like our parents before us didn’t get to choose what they got. Really stop and think about it: how many of your characteristics/traits do you genuinely love? Our bias for negativity, our quickness to react and get worked up over the littlest of things, our inability or refusal to push our fears aside and unwaveringly go after what we really want in life…how many of us genuinely want or choose to act this way? So have a little compassion for that person that is causing you grief. I know it’s easier said than done: 90% of the time I get carried away and have imaginary confrontations with people where I tell them what idiotic assholes they are. But that other 10% of the time, I catch myself right before I get on that train of mental fury. I realize that train ain’t gonna take me anywhere I want or need to go, so I turn around and walk away. Sometimes I don’t catch myself until right after I get on the train, which means I have to jump off the now moving vehicle. This is clearly more difficult, but if the train hasn’t caught much momentum yet, it can actually be quite invigorating.
Another tip: whenever I’m successful at not giving in to my natural tendency for negativity, I take a handful of seconds to let my victory soak in. I take a few breaths with a smile on my face and I let that blissful feeling of accomplishment flow through my body. Because once upon a time, not too long ago, I got on that crazy train 100% of the time without ever even thinking about it, without even realizing I had a choice. Now, I know it might seem like some of us really don’t have a choice, like it just happens before we can even do anything about it, and that’s because a lot of times, it does. We live a majority of our lives on autopilot – going through each day unconsciously and unintentionally. But try increasing your awareness of the present moment. Try being open to what is happening right now, instead of what happened a few minutes ago or what might happen tomorrow. Try to remember the next time something or someone upsets you that you have a choice: you can get on the train or you can walk away. And if you can keep choosing to walk away (even if it’s only 1% of the time), you’ll see that it gets a little bit easier after each time. This is not to say that it ever gets easy, at least not for me, not at this point…but it definitely starts to feel more and more possible.
Wrong Impressions
It upsets me the most when people I particularly dislike and have no respect for think of me the wrong way (in most cases, these are people I work for…I’m pretty good about not surrounding myself with people I don’t like or respect). Their misperception of me drives me crazy to no end. I churn their words in my head over and over again, triggering each time a set of negative emotions as well as uncomfortable physical responses. The thought creeps up and my lips immediately twist into a frown and my eyes roll back with a sharp twinge of disdain. I’ll soon catch myself and tell myself the usual platitudes:
“It’s okay, who cares. They’re fuckin idiots, what does it matter.”
When I’m a little more aware than usual, I’ll just start observing myself and my thoughts. I think perhaps what I need to do, or more specifically remember, is the illogic behind being so upset:
These are people I do not respect. I do not think they are very smart or aware of reality and therefore do not really value their opinions. Then why am I getting so upset about what they think about me? These are people with no real grasp on what is actually happening in the real world. That’s one way to go.
Or maybe they’re not such dipshits. Who can say that their impression is wrong? There are truths to some parts of what they say…or in the case of inaccurate interpretations, I can see why they would think that upon analysis of my own actions. So basically, there are two options and they both work to my benefit – not just in “winning” or “being right,” but for my actual self-improvement:
- It’s silly to get upset over the opinions of people you do not respect. Don’t pay heed to their criticisms because it is based on a narrow screen that only sees a slither of what is really going on.
- Pick out the points that are true and accept that your actions (note the use of “your actions” as opposed to “you” – these actions may not be reflective of who you truly are) are giving off these impressions. Stand by the parts you believe in and take action to properly adjust the parts that can cause incorrect interpretations.
Remember, that when dealing with bosses there are certain politics of power involved that cannot be avoided. If your boss is indeed an idiot, or an egomaniac, then why would you expect him/her to ever understand anything you have to say? He’s never going to really hear anything you have to say as long as it doesn’t align with his ingenious conclusions.
Loving Kindness
Those words are still bothering me. I guess I’m still in the field. New plan of attack, or action, rather…I realized yesterday that my MO is to attack. I attack people’s shortcomings so as to feel better about my own. I’m also apparently, a mean person (or at least can be perceived as such). I suppose this is somewhat ironic, given that I am obsessing over a few words that I felt were pretty much just outright fuckin’ mean.
New plan of action: instead of identifying and attacking people’s shortcomings, have some compassion. For she is probably just as insecure as I am. Those words were most likely not loaded with ill intent and a desire to make me feel like shit. It was likely just a misguided attempt to say what she thought was appropriate in that situation. Heck, she probably thought it was the right thing to say…to motivate…to gain respect…to survive. We’re all just doing the best we can. We’re all just trying to survive.
May you be healthy and strong.
May you be at ease.
May you feel safe and protected.
May you be happy and at peace.
As I try to wish these things upon the person who spoke those words to me, I can’t help but think she would scoff at my attempt to show her loving kindness. How ridiculous she would think I am to think she needs something so trite as love or kindness. I recognize that this is probably my ego trying to talk me out of feeling compassion for the person who put me into a spiral. Down, ego. Down!
Today, I will have compassion instead of being so quick to judge in order to protect myself. Instead of focusing on the shortcomings of others, I will try to have compassion.
The Field of My Woes
Too often, I let myself get carried away into a field of negativity and unhappiness. When I finally look back to see what the hell pushed me there, I realize that more often than not, it was simply words someone spoke to me. This someone is usually my boss or significant other…basically, someone who has some kind of control over a part of my life. In the case of my boss – my livelihood. In the case of my significant other – my heart. After a few days of spewing negativity and just overall malcontent, my eyes, or heart, starts to open and I see that what I am truly battling with is my ego. Constantly repeating some negative phrase or rebuttal in my head, dissecting it to bits until there’s nothing left to analyze, my ego strives to keep me in my place by making me feel like there may be some truth in what was said, because then it can rise to defend me. Only when I feel wounded does my ego have a purpose, a call to fight. If I were to simply accept that what was said was simply a misguided attempt to protect that person’s own sense of self importance, then what on earth would my ego occupy itself with? Well, sorry Ego, but today, I am putting down my arms and walking out of this field. See you next time.
Stop Fighting So Hard
Maybe my problem is always trying to figure things out. I remember I had a hell of a time with math once I got to Calculus. I couldn’t just follow the rules, I needed to know why. Why? Why? Why?
Maybe that’s what I need to do with life. Just follow the rules, stop trying to figure everything out.
Rule #1: Life isn’t based on any system of fairness. Deal with it.
Rule #2: Life is fuckin’ random. Stop fighting so hard and just roll with it.
Rule #3: A lot of shitty people somehow end up in positions of power…specifically over you. Refer to Rules 1 and 2. Just let it be. The universe has a way of working things out. Be patient.
Crazy vs Mindfulness
The ego in me is so strong! My mind spends most of its day obsessing over things that really have nothing to do with the outcome of my life.
For example, a coworker of mine is quitting work. She put in her notice last week. She didn’t come in yesterday or the day before. She might go work for the person I was brought in to replace. For some reason, this upsets me. But, I have no personal issues with that person. We worked together for all of a month and I was kept pretty much removed from her so that our dealings were minimal. She seemed nice enough, but, somewhere along the way, mostly going off what I heard about her from others, I designated her an adversary, and so, decided to dislike her. Back to point – so what if my coworker goes to work for her and so what if she’s not coming in to work. She obviously just doesn’t give a fuck. Why should I?
Why do I? Apparently, because the world revolves around me and I have to somehow make EVERYTHING related to me on some level. Do most people do this? Or am I seriously that self involved that I have to make everyone else’s drama some kind of subplot in my life story? It’s come to the point where I’m taking her unreliability at a job that she has put in her notice with as a sign that I can’t depend on her in our friendship (she also hasn’t been responding to my texts, albeit I only sent two). I’m starting to say to myself, “Whatever, I’m over her,” basically because she’s not treating me as the center, or at least a more central, part of her universe.
This is how crazy I am. This is what my mindfulness and self-realization are up against. Granted that I’m not really obsessing over this all day. It doesn’t consume my every waking hour, but it’s still there…in the background of my thoughts…and it lightly pops up here and there. I never let it balloon out of control as I usually have enough sense to gently pop it back into its place. But, it’s there enough for me to feel that I need to acknowledge it and to take a step back and critically observe what is happening. What exactly am I, or is my ego, doing here? What kind of ploy is this to make myself some sort of victim – to give myself a reason to be upset, to suffer? Whatever it is, it simply just is…and I’m watching. Accepting. Disidentifying. I guess this one goes to mindfulness (ha crazy, you lose this time!) – at least for now.
Why Not?
I am going to be happy today because…well, why not?! I’ve been in the shittiest of moods because my back has been out for the past week. I’m still pretty stiff and thoughts of work are still irritating the shit out of me, but this is my life…my day…and I get to choose. So, I am going to choose to be happy.
The things that are bothering me revolve around power, success, money. The attachments I’ve grown to these things basically rule my life, my thoughts, my dreams. But, I don’t need these things to be happy…and attachment is actually the source of all suffering, right? So, today, I’m going to let it go (or at least start my day trying). I’m going to observe closely as the day unravels and try to be mindful in every moment – cultivating a willingness to just be with what is. I’m sure I’ll forget as soon as I get in the car or start having my first human interaction of the day, but hopefully at some point, I’ll remember again. And then I’ll take a deep breathe…and another one. I’ll keep breathing in and out, slowly…until the bad is out and the good is restored.
Intention: Talk Less
Today, I will try to talk less.
Say yes instead of…
Listen more.
Pay attention to the present moment with openness, sympathy, and a willingness to be with what is.
Crazy Buddhaful 